January 1st:
We slept through New Years even though I understood we had plans with the neighbors. The hubby decided not to drop off his work van the night before and even work for a few hours since he would have had to get up early and drive to his job site anyway. His accepted that job after the client had pretty much begged for them to work on his house on New Years... who does that? Unfortunately for everyone it was a big waste of time. My husband and the rest of the work crew showed up, knocked on the door, but even though they could hear people inside the homeowner, who had begged them to show up, straight up ignored them... or so this story was relayed to me. How frustrating...
Mean while back at home I was displeased. For over two months now my husband and I have been distant. I have been giving him space as much as I am comfortable with but I still snuggle him at night, give him kisses and random hugs. It's difficult though because he has claimed he feels indifferent about all those things, and my love language is physical touch. Well I am multilingual but when it comes to giving love, that is my instinctual setting. My my show of affection towards my spouse to not make any difference to him is a blow to my emotional receptors. My logical ones can help me cope but there is a mild blow there too for other reasons.
Upon feeling this way I went back into my previous searches for a therapist and I found one I had thought would have been better for us given the husband's utter rejection of emotions and what an adverse reaction he had to even thinking about them, or so it seems, with the last therapist, which in my defense we kept going to because he liked her... So I made an appointment and told him about it... He did not want to go.
I am an anxious attachment style and especially now since things feel so distance. I want assurance and reassurance that things are going to be okay, that his marriage vows are still valid, that he chooses me etc. But on the first day of the year, all of that was shot down.
People think we are happy, and I think we can be, but from where I stand, my pair has been down recently and he is so stubborn about not trying to change anything for the better. In his words, he has given up, and he doesn't see things getting better. And through conversations I am always surprised he doesn't remember any of the good. He says the bad outweighs the good... I reflect on this and I wonder what alternate reality he lives in, because up until November 20th or so, we were on the road to making things better. And before that we weren't falling apart or anything but could use improvement since we have trouble with communication.
Therapy was helping too. We understood each other better. But I admit my frustration was we didn't seem to get to the issues that arose and focused too much on how one or the other felt. It is an okay technique but sometimes we need to go through what happened, process, and learn... I didn't feel we got any of that... but maybe his forgetfulness is rubbing off on me.
And there on the first day of the year he was reaffirming he gave up after I had been under the impression that he had agreed to try. I let my emotions get the better of me upon hearing he had no hope for us, and sent a divorce link. This is the worst mistake anyone can do and I should have known better, because he happily accepted the idea where I wanted the opposite reaction or at least protest and discussion.
I called back the therapist and changed the appointment to just me. A flashback of being bailed on for couple's therapy in a past relationship came to mind. I remember going and being reassured I was okay. That my thinking was indeed rational and logical. But emotional distress is specific only to the relationship not being stable. What would come up this time?
So the whole day was a somber day for me. We discussed many things, and ultimately I said I didn't want one, and that we should still try to fix things. That night I snuggled him probably too tightly.
If you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be...
I disagree. I believe you should nurture what you love. Water your garden. Polish your fine things so they shine.
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