Day 15: The first day of the year I did not hear or see my husband... and also hustling to earn money
I wake up fairly early but decide to go back to sleep. I let the dogs out and set my alarm for 10:30 a.m. I think about my husband, I miss waking up to him leaving for work, and I miss his goodbye kisses. At least the bed is comfortable. I can go back to sleep and dream about those kisses.
10:30 a.m. the alarm goes off. I dismiss it and lay in bed longer. Just as I am about to fall asleep I hear knocking and the dogs are letting me know we have a guest. I get out of bed and get dressed to go greet my visitor. It's my neighbor, D, and he was stopping by to hang for a few minutes and take a smoke break. Since before we bought this house he used to come to this property to hide out for a few moments, but now we've befriended him and he is always welcome to stop by.
I thank him for waking me up, he is surprised and apologetic about it. I explain I have an appointment at noon so I needed to get out of bed anyway. His visits are usually very brief but this one is cut shorter by my having to leave for my appointment.
I stop by the bank and withdraw $220, my balance is now $21 and change. That's enough for gas later, but I am going to drive today with the aim to earn $150. I have to pay my mom $300 and have two days to do it. Needless to say this is all very stressful for me to worry about money. I do not like having financial obligations, or debt. I am still struggling to be responsible in the fiscal department.
I arrive 10 minutes early to my appointment but the office is closed. Not before long, two women arrive, also patients of someone, but they find the door locked. I think to myself that I should have told them the door was locked, but I felt they would have tried it anyway thus I would have wasted my breath. I keep waiting and soon after a psychologist shows up and unlocks the office suite as she asked me who I was there to see.
Once inside I make myself a cup of tea. I think about needing to go to the Kaiser clinic and get my labs done, I could go after but now I drank tea, which I think counts as breaking the fast, and it is a fasting blood panel.
My therapist shows up and tells me she will be right with me. Minutes later I am confused as I hear her ask, "Marie, right?" I correct her and she says she will be with me shortly. Moments later she peaks back out, "Did you see me before?" I tell her I came to see her the first week of the month and she remembers.
Already I am thinking this is a good session to say I will no longer be seeing her. But I find myself sitting in her office and going over my family. The truth is I do like her, and I believe in her approach though I know it takes time. I don't want to throw my money away either and I already invested this much.
She keeps praising my emotional intelligence and perception about other people's personalities. She keeps urging me to go back to school and become a psychologist. She also keeps telling me she feels good about our sessions and that she feels we are connecting. She is seeking affirmation and reassurance that I will be a reoccurring client. I wonder if it is a sales gimmick.
After the hour is up I explain I want to see her every two weeks, because I can manage that financially verses every week. I hear my inner voice disapproving of my decision. I lack resolve. But the truth is I mean it, I believe in her method and I want to see where it goes.
I pay her and ask for a receipt. She tells me she can invoice me at the end of the month.
Around 8:30 pm or so my husband texts me telling me he is in bed now. I tell him I missed him today, that I hope I can see him tomorrow. I wonder if he cares, I feel he does not.
I drive today, for almost 10 hours but I earned $190. I have to fuel up still and I had bought lunch but that leaves me with $160, so tomorrow the aim is $140. Then I can give that to my mom in time... then the rest of the week I gotta keep doing this so I can pay my cell phone bill and my other debts. And finally, I gotta do it again to pay have the mortgage.
I think about my photography business... yet again I am putting it aside. And I think about everything. I am becoming a drone. But is there an end to these means? And are these means a means to an end? Right now all I want it my husband to be bonded with me again, I miss him so very much. Today is the first day this year I did not see him, or hear his voice. He did not reply to my funny texts earlier, and the final conversation was nothing. Have I lost him forever? What a sad life this would become. I check my faith and feel it will be alright.
When I arrive home, I am greeted by Togame outside. She is the only cat that is difficult to get inside when it is dark. I pick her up and take her inside. The dogs are so pleased to see me and the cats are all running around. This is a wonderful welcome home to have! I don't want to split up this pack. Everything will be okay.
I let the dogs out for a final potty break, and after they come back I get to blogging. These days are so strange for me. And this blog somehow helps me get through it. Also I am seeing people are reading my blog... I wonder if this is TMI for the internet.... Nah....
I did get to watch a bunch of YouTube videos on how to tell if he likes or or doesn't... and how to get him to be interested in you... I feel like I should feel pathetic, but I don't. I am not abandoning him. How do we know that splitting up isn't the worst mistake we could make!? I married this man. I will fight for him.
10:30 a.m. the alarm goes off. I dismiss it and lay in bed longer. Just as I am about to fall asleep I hear knocking and the dogs are letting me know we have a guest. I get out of bed and get dressed to go greet my visitor. It's my neighbor, D, and he was stopping by to hang for a few minutes and take a smoke break. Since before we bought this house he used to come to this property to hide out for a few moments, but now we've befriended him and he is always welcome to stop by.
I thank him for waking me up, he is surprised and apologetic about it. I explain I have an appointment at noon so I needed to get out of bed anyway. His visits are usually very brief but this one is cut shorter by my having to leave for my appointment.
I stop by the bank and withdraw $220, my balance is now $21 and change. That's enough for gas later, but I am going to drive today with the aim to earn $150. I have to pay my mom $300 and have two days to do it. Needless to say this is all very stressful for me to worry about money. I do not like having financial obligations, or debt. I am still struggling to be responsible in the fiscal department.
I arrive 10 minutes early to my appointment but the office is closed. Not before long, two women arrive, also patients of someone, but they find the door locked. I think to myself that I should have told them the door was locked, but I felt they would have tried it anyway thus I would have wasted my breath. I keep waiting and soon after a psychologist shows up and unlocks the office suite as she asked me who I was there to see.
Once inside I make myself a cup of tea. I think about needing to go to the Kaiser clinic and get my labs done, I could go after but now I drank tea, which I think counts as breaking the fast, and it is a fasting blood panel.
My therapist shows up and tells me she will be right with me. Minutes later I am confused as I hear her ask, "Marie, right?" I correct her and she says she will be with me shortly. Moments later she peaks back out, "Did you see me before?" I tell her I came to see her the first week of the month and she remembers.
Already I am thinking this is a good session to say I will no longer be seeing her. But I find myself sitting in her office and going over my family. The truth is I do like her, and I believe in her approach though I know it takes time. I don't want to throw my money away either and I already invested this much.
She keeps praising my emotional intelligence and perception about other people's personalities. She keeps urging me to go back to school and become a psychologist. She also keeps telling me she feels good about our sessions and that she feels we are connecting. She is seeking affirmation and reassurance that I will be a reoccurring client. I wonder if it is a sales gimmick.
After the hour is up I explain I want to see her every two weeks, because I can manage that financially verses every week. I hear my inner voice disapproving of my decision. I lack resolve. But the truth is I mean it, I believe in her method and I want to see where it goes.
I pay her and ask for a receipt. She tells me she can invoice me at the end of the month.
Around 8:30 pm or so my husband texts me telling me he is in bed now. I tell him I missed him today, that I hope I can see him tomorrow. I wonder if he cares, I feel he does not.
I drive today, for almost 10 hours but I earned $190. I have to fuel up still and I had bought lunch but that leaves me with $160, so tomorrow the aim is $140. Then I can give that to my mom in time... then the rest of the week I gotta keep doing this so I can pay my cell phone bill and my other debts. And finally, I gotta do it again to pay have the mortgage.
I think about my photography business... yet again I am putting it aside. And I think about everything. I am becoming a drone. But is there an end to these means? And are these means a means to an end? Right now all I want it my husband to be bonded with me again, I miss him so very much. Today is the first day this year I did not see him, or hear his voice. He did not reply to my funny texts earlier, and the final conversation was nothing. Have I lost him forever? What a sad life this would become. I check my faith and feel it will be alright.
When I arrive home, I am greeted by Togame outside. She is the only cat that is difficult to get inside when it is dark. I pick her up and take her inside. The dogs are so pleased to see me and the cats are all running around. This is a wonderful welcome home to have! I don't want to split up this pack. Everything will be okay.
I let the dogs out for a final potty break, and after they come back I get to blogging. These days are so strange for me. And this blog somehow helps me get through it. Also I am seeing people are reading my blog... I wonder if this is TMI for the internet.... Nah....
I did get to watch a bunch of YouTube videos on how to tell if he likes or or doesn't... and how to get him to be interested in you... I feel like I should feel pathetic, but I don't. I am not abandoning him. How do we know that splitting up isn't the worst mistake we could make!? I married this man. I will fight for him.
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| Oh to go back to these moments! |
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