The day is a pretty standard one other than my laying in bed until about 11 a.m. Am I depressed? Why can't I find the will to get up sooner. I let the dogs out, and I got back in bed, and the alarm went off at 10:30 but I dismissed it. Alas, I get up close to 11. I get ready for my work day, but I dilly daly. I wash my hair in the sink rather than shower, and I decide I need to buy foundation today at some point.
I think about the trash... I didn't take the cans out. It's trash day... ooops. Oh well, such is life. And why did I not leave earlier, I have a goal amount of money to earn today to pay my mom. And somewhere along those thoughts, I decide to check Craigslist.
An old habit of mine from my days working at MySpace is to check through the personals to flag people. I used to deal with the classifieds in MySpace at one point, and I think I liked it too much. I see the app Kik mentioned in one of the personal ads and remember hearing about it. I download it remembering there are chat rooms. Maybe I can meet people and make new friends this way.
I find a Foodie group and join. I mention Taco Tuesday and the thread gets lit. Everyone wants to meet up. I tell them I will try to make it, but I already know today is gonna be challenging when it comes to free time. But all this talking of food... where is that burrito my passengers bought me? I check the fridge... someone ate it... it's gone! There is a bowl of what I know is dog food, home made, and it looks like it has beans in it, although maybe it is just the left over split pea soup and rice, ready to mix in with the canned dog food. I message my husband, kind of trying to joke with him, "Where did my burrito go? Did you feed it to the doggies?" I hope my saying "doggies" brings in some cuteness factor so to come across playful.
"I ate it." he responded. And I tell him I will have food for him tonight. I ask him if he can pay for the cleaning lady tomorrow since I am tapped out this week and he agrees. I cannot help my feel icky about that. I should clean my own house, and now he is paying someone else to do it.
I get the dogs back inside and head out to drive about 1:30 pm, leaving the cats outside. I have not been so worried about them lately as they promptly come inside when i get home.
The day is slower compared to yesterday but it is still a good day to earn money, mostly with Uber today. But I feel the stress of meeting my goal. I check my finances during a break and see that ebay took out money for my shop. Damn, now I am short! I keep driving but call my mom to check in with her as I need to swing by to drop off the cash. I mentally kick myself for not driving all night yesterday. "Have faith" I tell myself.
My passengers are all pleasant today. But where I used to be more chatty I do notice myself being more quiet than I was before. I will engage and match a passenger if they are high energy, but where I used to create conversation, I do not anymore.
I cash out after I calculate I will have a balance of $180. I plan to float a check and keep driving through the night so my mom has her money. One of the things I really want this year is to help my mom a lot more with her finances. I want to help her pay off her credit cards faster... I still have outstanding debts myself though, but I want to pay her back this amount which she had let me borrow last month and she needs it by opening business day tomorrow.
I mentally scold myself for not planning all of this better but again I remind myself to have faith. Thinking about faith I think of my husband. I call him to check in. I did not see or hear from him yesterday other than a few texts. I looked back at our old texts, he is not talking to me any more or less than ever before. I am convinced things are fine based on that information.
I ask him about hockey, I show interest, and honestly, I am. He gets to play two games tonight and that makes me happy to hear. I wish he could play more hockey. He loves it so much. We talk for longer than I expect. I almost feel like he doesn't mind. He could have ended the conversation many times but he did not. We were enjoying the conversation. I offer to have pizza waiting for him at home, but I would not be home when he got back. He is surprised I plan to go driving again. I end the conversation, but I wonder how long it would have taken for him to end it. I figured not long as he was waiting to play hockey, it was almost time anyway.
Never mind all that, we are talking, for a long time on the phone! This is a good thing! I am very pleased by this. And oh how I love his voice. He does seem happier. Good. I am going to sweeten the good mood by offering something to look forward to. I remind him that I am leaving to Las Vegas, or rather Prim Valley late February, so he will have the entire house all to himself. He decides to take that Friday off to be home with the dogs. Not necessary but then again, he will get to enjoy a whole day without me.
You see I do not mind this, I also love alone time without him around the house. But I want us to come back to each other in between our alone times.
I am the one the ends the conversation, I don't want to seem too needy... he needs to know I am okay with space, which I am honestly, so long as there is also space for me from time to time. I can respect that. But he agreed to giving me one night a week. He agrees to hugs and kisses, and now he is having pleasant conversations with me. Am I again in his good graces? Am I again his companion? His consort?
I drive to her house and she feeds me chicken soup. It give me a warm home feeling. I am so very grateful for my mom. I do wish she had stayed here when she had moved in over a year ago. Then my step grandpa died and my family dragged her back to my childhood home. I did not like it then, but perhaps it is where she needs to be. I cannot help but wonder how things would have been if she moved in. Would I have marital problems or would she have kicked my butt into being a better house wife... Irrelevant. I know.
She shows me a paper send by the treasurer of the state asking to pay a renter's tax. But she is not a renter. She never was, that is her house, she always was part of the household. How do you explain this when she is only a step daughter to my step grandpa... even though we are family, we have no legal right. My mom is staying at the house because my cousin was adopted and he has legal rights to the house. So while it is in probate she is there. I still don't like any of it, but it is what it is.
I fill out the form and put down that she is family and that she is not renting. We send the most appropriate documentation we have and hope for the best. She will mail it in tomorrow. We'll see what happens... maybe she will end up moving in after all, but now I hope she can keep her house there, somehow.
I suggest depositing the check via mobile and log her into her bank account and snap a pic of the check i wrote. "There, all done."
"That's it?" She is surprised, it saved us a trip, though perhaps she wanted to go out. I tell her I have to get home to feed the dogs but I can come back tomorrow or call her a Lyft or Uber if she needs one. I head out after giving her a hug and a kiss and I tell her I love her. I log into Uber right away, hoping for one more ride on my way home. Success! A $20 ride. And the conversation was fun. We talked about mentalities across regions in the US.
After dropping off, I call my husband again. The Kik group is still going on about taco Tuesday and I missed in. I can tell, though, that this crowd is fun and I hope to meet them all. But this Taco Tuesday business makes me think a Chipotle burrito is better for my husband. He doesn't answer his phone so I leave a message. He calls back as I am getting close to Little Ceasar's... I do not like their pizza but it is cheap.
I tell him I can get a burrito instead but he insists on whatever is cheapest. He doesn't want me spending money on him. Again our conversation is longer than usual. He tells me about things not relating to us, and I am glad he wants to talk to me about things in his life, that is things he learns about people in his life. His boss paid for a trip for one of the employees to take his son to Disneyland. That is super nice! And he tells me someone he knows just found out their wife had feelings for someone else. Oh no! That sucks.
This is sort of a shocker and yet did not surprise me, but I did not say this. I simply said, "Oh no, that sucks. They just gotta fix it." We brush briefly on the topic of infidelity... I say that they are still immature but they can fix it. She did not sleep with anyone, it was an emotional connection, and so I understand the trouble. Both my husband and I empathize with this journey our friends are facing right now. But they can fix it if they so desire. I know there is more to it than just mentioning it. But what is it? Hope or no? But my reaction was hopeful, and I hope that rubbed off on my husband. Marriage is sacred... have faith!
We talk about hockey. He got to play 3 games and tells me he is in dire need of a shower. He tells me he is stopping by his bosses house then the bank, then home. I am parked outside the pizza spot so I tell him I will be home when he gets there after all, and end the conversation. I still can't bring myself to say "I love you" but I do miss the exchange of those words with him. I buy a cheese pizza and head home.
I arrive at my house and the cats are all eager to go back inside. I think I like this whole locking them out all day thing. If they had a choice to come in and out all day, they would prefer to stay out at night. This way they are hungry. I get them all in minus Nagisa. I let the dogs out after feeding the three cats inside but go out to call to Nagi. Finally I see a shadowy figure in the darkness playfully running. I approach and somehow know he has a mouse. It's odd to say, because I cannot see in the dark, and yet I feel like I can... like there is an energy there. There was no life, but he had something and it was either a lizard, though at night most likely a mouse. I reach down and pick him up and see the outline of a baby mouse as he paws at it. I pick it up too and put the cat inside and the body in a planter box. I will bury him tomorrow.
I get the dogs back in and feed them. I open my mail. A refund check for $533!!! Heck yeah! I can rest tonight now! I will drive again tomorrow morning, as I still need to raise more money to be debt free.
My husband gets home as I take out some recyclables. I realize the cans were taken down. He took the trash down. I am so appreciative of that. I go and close the gate behind him and greet him. I tell him I am not driving tonight after all because I have more money that I thought. I tell him this sucks right now but it is working and soon I can contribute to the house payments and to our taxes. I show him my balance to encourage him to have faith in me.
I fill him in on Nagisa and the mouse and what I fed the dogs since I mixed that split pea goop and their wet dog food together. He eats pizza and we talk for a bit. He gives me $120 for the house cleaners if they show up tomorrow. He decides not to shower but I had planned to make his lunch while he did so now I ask if he can help me make his lunch for tomorrow. I make him his sandwiches and pack them, but he helped prepare his tuna. He is so cute and considerate, he did not mix the relish into the tuna but rather put it over the tuna separately on his sandwich. He did this because I don't particularly like relish in my tuna.
He's ready for bed and I ask for a hug and a kiss... He was not so reluctant. And honestly, who cares? He doesn't do anything he doesn't want to. And it felt warmer. Maybe it's just me... but this is what faith does, it makes everything better when you do not worry.
But I still have some of that special lemonade, and I mix in my left over Arizona iced tea. Tomorrow I go back out on the grind. I miss being home all day with my animals, I feel them missing me. I try not to be away for more than 5 hours but I need to do this right now. Once I even out, then I can scale back a bit.
Today was a good day. Yes it was.
I think about the trash... I didn't take the cans out. It's trash day... ooops. Oh well, such is life. And why did I not leave earlier, I have a goal amount of money to earn today to pay my mom. And somewhere along those thoughts, I decide to check Craigslist.
An old habit of mine from my days working at MySpace is to check through the personals to flag people. I used to deal with the classifieds in MySpace at one point, and I think I liked it too much. I see the app Kik mentioned in one of the personal ads and remember hearing about it. I download it remembering there are chat rooms. Maybe I can meet people and make new friends this way.
I find a Foodie group and join. I mention Taco Tuesday and the thread gets lit. Everyone wants to meet up. I tell them I will try to make it, but I already know today is gonna be challenging when it comes to free time. But all this talking of food... where is that burrito my passengers bought me? I check the fridge... someone ate it... it's gone! There is a bowl of what I know is dog food, home made, and it looks like it has beans in it, although maybe it is just the left over split pea soup and rice, ready to mix in with the canned dog food. I message my husband, kind of trying to joke with him, "Where did my burrito go? Did you feed it to the doggies?" I hope my saying "doggies" brings in some cuteness factor so to come across playful.
"I ate it." he responded. And I tell him I will have food for him tonight. I ask him if he can pay for the cleaning lady tomorrow since I am tapped out this week and he agrees. I cannot help my feel icky about that. I should clean my own house, and now he is paying someone else to do it.
I get the dogs back inside and head out to drive about 1:30 pm, leaving the cats outside. I have not been so worried about them lately as they promptly come inside when i get home.
The day is slower compared to yesterday but it is still a good day to earn money, mostly with Uber today. But I feel the stress of meeting my goal. I check my finances during a break and see that ebay took out money for my shop. Damn, now I am short! I keep driving but call my mom to check in with her as I need to swing by to drop off the cash. I mentally kick myself for not driving all night yesterday. "Have faith" I tell myself.
My passengers are all pleasant today. But where I used to be more chatty I do notice myself being more quiet than I was before. I will engage and match a passenger if they are high energy, but where I used to create conversation, I do not anymore.
I cash out after I calculate I will have a balance of $180. I plan to float a check and keep driving through the night so my mom has her money. One of the things I really want this year is to help my mom a lot more with her finances. I want to help her pay off her credit cards faster... I still have outstanding debts myself though, but I want to pay her back this amount which she had let me borrow last month and she needs it by opening business day tomorrow.
I mentally scold myself for not planning all of this better but again I remind myself to have faith. Thinking about faith I think of my husband. I call him to check in. I did not see or hear from him yesterday other than a few texts. I looked back at our old texts, he is not talking to me any more or less than ever before. I am convinced things are fine based on that information.
I ask him about hockey, I show interest, and honestly, I am. He gets to play two games tonight and that makes me happy to hear. I wish he could play more hockey. He loves it so much. We talk for longer than I expect. I almost feel like he doesn't mind. He could have ended the conversation many times but he did not. We were enjoying the conversation. I offer to have pizza waiting for him at home, but I would not be home when he got back. He is surprised I plan to go driving again. I end the conversation, but I wonder how long it would have taken for him to end it. I figured not long as he was waiting to play hockey, it was almost time anyway.
Never mind all that, we are talking, for a long time on the phone! This is a good thing! I am very pleased by this. And oh how I love his voice. He does seem happier. Good. I am going to sweeten the good mood by offering something to look forward to. I remind him that I am leaving to Las Vegas, or rather Prim Valley late February, so he will have the entire house all to himself. He decides to take that Friday off to be home with the dogs. Not necessary but then again, he will get to enjoy a whole day without me.
You see I do not mind this, I also love alone time without him around the house. But I want us to come back to each other in between our alone times.
I am the one the ends the conversation, I don't want to seem too needy... he needs to know I am okay with space, which I am honestly, so long as there is also space for me from time to time. I can respect that. But he agreed to giving me one night a week. He agrees to hugs and kisses, and now he is having pleasant conversations with me. Am I again in his good graces? Am I again his companion? His consort?
I drive to her house and she feeds me chicken soup. It give me a warm home feeling. I am so very grateful for my mom. I do wish she had stayed here when she had moved in over a year ago. Then my step grandpa died and my family dragged her back to my childhood home. I did not like it then, but perhaps it is where she needs to be. I cannot help but wonder how things would have been if she moved in. Would I have marital problems or would she have kicked my butt into being a better house wife... Irrelevant. I know.
She shows me a paper send by the treasurer of the state asking to pay a renter's tax. But she is not a renter. She never was, that is her house, she always was part of the household. How do you explain this when she is only a step daughter to my step grandpa... even though we are family, we have no legal right. My mom is staying at the house because my cousin was adopted and he has legal rights to the house. So while it is in probate she is there. I still don't like any of it, but it is what it is.
I fill out the form and put down that she is family and that she is not renting. We send the most appropriate documentation we have and hope for the best. She will mail it in tomorrow. We'll see what happens... maybe she will end up moving in after all, but now I hope she can keep her house there, somehow.
I suggest depositing the check via mobile and log her into her bank account and snap a pic of the check i wrote. "There, all done."
"That's it?" She is surprised, it saved us a trip, though perhaps she wanted to go out. I tell her I have to get home to feed the dogs but I can come back tomorrow or call her a Lyft or Uber if she needs one. I head out after giving her a hug and a kiss and I tell her I love her. I log into Uber right away, hoping for one more ride on my way home. Success! A $20 ride. And the conversation was fun. We talked about mentalities across regions in the US.
After dropping off, I call my husband again. The Kik group is still going on about taco Tuesday and I missed in. I can tell, though, that this crowd is fun and I hope to meet them all. But this Taco Tuesday business makes me think a Chipotle burrito is better for my husband. He doesn't answer his phone so I leave a message. He calls back as I am getting close to Little Ceasar's... I do not like their pizza but it is cheap.
I tell him I can get a burrito instead but he insists on whatever is cheapest. He doesn't want me spending money on him. Again our conversation is longer than usual. He tells me about things not relating to us, and I am glad he wants to talk to me about things in his life, that is things he learns about people in his life. His boss paid for a trip for one of the employees to take his son to Disneyland. That is super nice! And he tells me someone he knows just found out their wife had feelings for someone else. Oh no! That sucks.
This is sort of a shocker and yet did not surprise me, but I did not say this. I simply said, "Oh no, that sucks. They just gotta fix it." We brush briefly on the topic of infidelity... I say that they are still immature but they can fix it. She did not sleep with anyone, it was an emotional connection, and so I understand the trouble. Both my husband and I empathize with this journey our friends are facing right now. But they can fix it if they so desire. I know there is more to it than just mentioning it. But what is it? Hope or no? But my reaction was hopeful, and I hope that rubbed off on my husband. Marriage is sacred... have faith!
We talk about hockey. He got to play 3 games and tells me he is in dire need of a shower. He tells me he is stopping by his bosses house then the bank, then home. I am parked outside the pizza spot so I tell him I will be home when he gets there after all, and end the conversation. I still can't bring myself to say "I love you" but I do miss the exchange of those words with him. I buy a cheese pizza and head home.
I arrive at my house and the cats are all eager to go back inside. I think I like this whole locking them out all day thing. If they had a choice to come in and out all day, they would prefer to stay out at night. This way they are hungry. I get them all in minus Nagisa. I let the dogs out after feeding the three cats inside but go out to call to Nagi. Finally I see a shadowy figure in the darkness playfully running. I approach and somehow know he has a mouse. It's odd to say, because I cannot see in the dark, and yet I feel like I can... like there is an energy there. There was no life, but he had something and it was either a lizard, though at night most likely a mouse. I reach down and pick him up and see the outline of a baby mouse as he paws at it. I pick it up too and put the cat inside and the body in a planter box. I will bury him tomorrow.
I get the dogs back in and feed them. I open my mail. A refund check for $533!!! Heck yeah! I can rest tonight now! I will drive again tomorrow morning, as I still need to raise more money to be debt free.
My husband gets home as I take out some recyclables. I realize the cans were taken down. He took the trash down. I am so appreciative of that. I go and close the gate behind him and greet him. I tell him I am not driving tonight after all because I have more money that I thought. I tell him this sucks right now but it is working and soon I can contribute to the house payments and to our taxes. I show him my balance to encourage him to have faith in me.
I fill him in on Nagisa and the mouse and what I fed the dogs since I mixed that split pea goop and their wet dog food together. He eats pizza and we talk for a bit. He gives me $120 for the house cleaners if they show up tomorrow. He decides not to shower but I had planned to make his lunch while he did so now I ask if he can help me make his lunch for tomorrow. I make him his sandwiches and pack them, but he helped prepare his tuna. He is so cute and considerate, he did not mix the relish into the tuna but rather put it over the tuna separately on his sandwich. He did this because I don't particularly like relish in my tuna.
He's ready for bed and I ask for a hug and a kiss... He was not so reluctant. And honestly, who cares? He doesn't do anything he doesn't want to. And it felt warmer. Maybe it's just me... but this is what faith does, it makes everything better when you do not worry.
But I still have some of that special lemonade, and I mix in my left over Arizona iced tea. Tomorrow I go back out on the grind. I miss being home all day with my animals, I feel them missing me. I try not to be away for more than 5 hours but I need to do this right now. Once I even out, then I can scale back a bit.
Today was a good day. Yes it was.
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| Miss Togame Pendragon, lounging around in the daytime. |
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