Today I wake up with knowing that we had a house cleaner that may or may not remember she scheduled to come over. But I am awake at noon. I check my Facebook messages... damn, I missed her. She couldn't find our house though and I message back apologizing and rescheduling for Friday. She was here early anyway and originally we planned for 11. Friday this house is going to be spick and span because I will have this house cleaner show up in the morning and then my cousin is coming over and offered to help cleaning and organizing too.... Then all I have to do is stay on top of it.
I had woken up a bit earlier to my mom's call. She told me to rest up and if I drove to check in with her. So now awake, and having let the animals out, I decide to visit my mom. She needs to run errands and lacks a car.
I get to her house and suggest we eat out. I take her to Romano's Macaroni Grill in East Chula Vista, or technically Otay Ranch. We see a lunch special and go for that but we could not finish the main course. Apparently a ceasar salad is enough for us each.
I drive her around the mall which is so cute and feels like a small town center. But we are both not interested in window shopping. We agree that as we get older the material stuff is not so appealing anymore. What do I need when I have a closet full of clothes and a house full of things I am trying to sell off anyway?
I get a text message from my dad, "I haven't heard any news from you?" and I wonder why was it so hard to reply to me when I asked if I can come over on Saturday? Why does he act like I am not communicating? I know he is ill, but I am communicating! I think to text him back soon.
We go to Walmart to buy some gifts for upcoming events. I buy panties because I still do not have a washer. After that we go to the Dollar Tree, and buy the gift bags and the cards to go with the gifts. I buy some food too, frozen fruits and berries for smoothies, and frozen fish either for my husband and I or for the animals to enjoy one of these nights.
After that I take my mom home. We have spent 5 hours together, and I feel tired. I love my mom, I do not think I am exhausted because of her. I feel I am exhausted in general. I am very grateful I got to spend time with her today though.
I get in the car and see a message from my husband asking if the dogs ate. I reply and I try calling to tell him they have not. He does not answer but he calls back and I tell him I have been out since 1 pm, and I offer my left overs. I head home via the toll road since now I have my fast track account. Once home I give my left overs to my husband. I make myself a gin and juice since I am out of the THC lemonade and cannot find the vodka I thought I bought...
I had joked about being a functioning alcoholic, but I am definitely self medicating a lot. At least just at night right? Maybe I should just stop this nonsence.
I remember we have ice cream and I serve myself some Neapolitan. I search Netflix and my husband reads out loud one of the titles, "The End of the Fucking World". Having spotted it too I decide to watch it. He is on the computer researching his video game stuff but still kind of paying attention. We both watch, him from the computer, me on the couch. I offer him to taste my cocktail and he says it is good. I am proud of myself for mixing something right for once.
The show proves to be very strange but we find ourselves laughing at it's awkwardness. I look back at him often when something I think is funny happens. He eventually says, "it's nine o'clock." and I ask him if he is going to bed. "After this episode." he says. I am pleased... I am stretching out my time with him.
The episode is over and he goes to brush his teeth. he washed his bowl which I served him food in. I am pleased with this too. I tell him I saw bunk beds in Walmart. I've suggested this for years now since he has trouble getting a goodnight sleep. Full size on the bottom and twin on the top. He tells me the bed he is sleeping on is too short for him and that somehow he slept with two of his toes through the slat on the footboard, and three curled up on the slat, the next day his toes were sore. I tell him some twins are extra long, but I realize we may have to custom make our bunk beds.
H did not object to the idea but he did not comment much other than asking how much they are. I have been placing myself in scenarios of his future. Yesterday we talked about things we want to buy for the kitchen and I said I wanted a kitchen aid mixer in either orange or green to match our kitchen, but in the future when we remodel our house, will we choose the same colors or should I have a silver mixer? He did not agree nor disagree to the idea of us still being together in the future... instead he said green and orange are not popular colors so it should be cheaper... everything is money with him anymore.
And tonight I had laughed at his jokes. I do think he is funny and I am so happy he is joking again... I think he likes that I find him funny. It's proof he can make me happy.
I get a hug and a kiss out of him again, but the kiss he turned his face so it landed on his cheek. I insisted I want to kiss his lips and he obliged. He hugged me tight enough to pop my back... it felt good and I asked for him to try again so I got two more hugs out of him and my back feels better. Honestly, sometimes I feel that if the situation was reversed it would be creepy to demand hugs and kisses even if I am his wife... Am I am bad person for asking of my husband to hug and kiss me when I know he otherwise would not?
It's the last big of intimacy between us... I cannot let it go... and wait till I ask him to make love, because I will next week and most likely on a week day. Honestly, this is probably a bad move... I am sure I will be ovulating, and I want kids, I want them for me, and I am not trying to have any just to keep him... But we are married and he was open to this concept before October.
I am probably going to be setting myself up for disappointment, he might reach for a condom, what do I do then?
Anyway, he goes to bed and I come to the computer to write the blog entry. But the gin hits and I text him telling him I miss him, I love him, and I desire him. He does not reciprocate... My marital love is currently still unrequited. What a tragedy this seems to be... but I am hopeful it's a comedy.
And suddenly some random girl starts sending me sexy pics via kik... I share them with him and he encourages me to go for it... Why? And why did I share them with him? I was trying to excite him? Or was I trying to just keep things fun and light between us?
Sometimes I don't make sense.
These entries help me remember the days... they help me process... I feel I am handling life well... but we'll see.
Tomorrow I have band practice... and this weekend I have company... when will I get to see my dad again... oh crap, I gotta message him!!!
Goodnight everyone!
I had woken up a bit earlier to my mom's call. She told me to rest up and if I drove to check in with her. So now awake, and having let the animals out, I decide to visit my mom. She needs to run errands and lacks a car.
I get to her house and suggest we eat out. I take her to Romano's Macaroni Grill in East Chula Vista, or technically Otay Ranch. We see a lunch special and go for that but we could not finish the main course. Apparently a ceasar salad is enough for us each.
I drive her around the mall which is so cute and feels like a small town center. But we are both not interested in window shopping. We agree that as we get older the material stuff is not so appealing anymore. What do I need when I have a closet full of clothes and a house full of things I am trying to sell off anyway?
I get a text message from my dad, "I haven't heard any news from you?" and I wonder why was it so hard to reply to me when I asked if I can come over on Saturday? Why does he act like I am not communicating? I know he is ill, but I am communicating! I think to text him back soon.
We go to Walmart to buy some gifts for upcoming events. I buy panties because I still do not have a washer. After that we go to the Dollar Tree, and buy the gift bags and the cards to go with the gifts. I buy some food too, frozen fruits and berries for smoothies, and frozen fish either for my husband and I or for the animals to enjoy one of these nights.
After that I take my mom home. We have spent 5 hours together, and I feel tired. I love my mom, I do not think I am exhausted because of her. I feel I am exhausted in general. I am very grateful I got to spend time with her today though.
I get in the car and see a message from my husband asking if the dogs ate. I reply and I try calling to tell him they have not. He does not answer but he calls back and I tell him I have been out since 1 pm, and I offer my left overs. I head home via the toll road since now I have my fast track account. Once home I give my left overs to my husband. I make myself a gin and juice since I am out of the THC lemonade and cannot find the vodka I thought I bought...
I had joked about being a functioning alcoholic, but I am definitely self medicating a lot. At least just at night right? Maybe I should just stop this nonsence.
I remember we have ice cream and I serve myself some Neapolitan. I search Netflix and my husband reads out loud one of the titles, "The End of the Fucking World". Having spotted it too I decide to watch it. He is on the computer researching his video game stuff but still kind of paying attention. We both watch, him from the computer, me on the couch. I offer him to taste my cocktail and he says it is good. I am proud of myself for mixing something right for once.
The show proves to be very strange but we find ourselves laughing at it's awkwardness. I look back at him often when something I think is funny happens. He eventually says, "it's nine o'clock." and I ask him if he is going to bed. "After this episode." he says. I am pleased... I am stretching out my time with him.
The episode is over and he goes to brush his teeth. he washed his bowl which I served him food in. I am pleased with this too. I tell him I saw bunk beds in Walmart. I've suggested this for years now since he has trouble getting a goodnight sleep. Full size on the bottom and twin on the top. He tells me the bed he is sleeping on is too short for him and that somehow he slept with two of his toes through the slat on the footboard, and three curled up on the slat, the next day his toes were sore. I tell him some twins are extra long, but I realize we may have to custom make our bunk beds.
H did not object to the idea but he did not comment much other than asking how much they are. I have been placing myself in scenarios of his future. Yesterday we talked about things we want to buy for the kitchen and I said I wanted a kitchen aid mixer in either orange or green to match our kitchen, but in the future when we remodel our house, will we choose the same colors or should I have a silver mixer? He did not agree nor disagree to the idea of us still being together in the future... instead he said green and orange are not popular colors so it should be cheaper... everything is money with him anymore.
And tonight I had laughed at his jokes. I do think he is funny and I am so happy he is joking again... I think he likes that I find him funny. It's proof he can make me happy.
I get a hug and a kiss out of him again, but the kiss he turned his face so it landed on his cheek. I insisted I want to kiss his lips and he obliged. He hugged me tight enough to pop my back... it felt good and I asked for him to try again so I got two more hugs out of him and my back feels better. Honestly, sometimes I feel that if the situation was reversed it would be creepy to demand hugs and kisses even if I am his wife... Am I am bad person for asking of my husband to hug and kiss me when I know he otherwise would not?
It's the last big of intimacy between us... I cannot let it go... and wait till I ask him to make love, because I will next week and most likely on a week day. Honestly, this is probably a bad move... I am sure I will be ovulating, and I want kids, I want them for me, and I am not trying to have any just to keep him... But we are married and he was open to this concept before October.
I am probably going to be setting myself up for disappointment, he might reach for a condom, what do I do then?
Anyway, he goes to bed and I come to the computer to write the blog entry. But the gin hits and I text him telling him I miss him, I love him, and I desire him. He does not reciprocate... My marital love is currently still unrequited. What a tragedy this seems to be... but I am hopeful it's a comedy.
And suddenly some random girl starts sending me sexy pics via kik... I share them with him and he encourages me to go for it... Why? And why did I share them with him? I was trying to excite him? Or was I trying to just keep things fun and light between us?
Sometimes I don't make sense.
These entries help me remember the days... they help me process... I feel I am handling life well... but we'll see.
Tomorrow I have band practice... and this weekend I have company... when will I get to see my dad again... oh crap, I gotta message him!!!
Goodnight everyone!
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