Being out a car sucks when you live on a mountain with nothing to access... The worst part of it is the storm that lingers from yesterday. I could be working on the yard, and while that is no excuse because I could be working on the house, I decided to market my music endeavors.
I call Pep Boys and make an appointment to go in and get the tire fixed. And I call my therapist to tell her I am out a car. Even though her policy is 24 hour notice, and I emailed last night, this still feels like a short notice. She tells me she has to charge me anyway at least partially and asks if thee is anyway I can make it and I explain I am out the car and don't think I will have it back in time. She decides to waive the fee this time only and schedules me for Monday at noon. I am very grateful for this.
I wonder about continuing therapy, even if I just started. I keep feeling the burden more and more of having to come up with $180. Happenstance, my mom calls. She let me borrow money which she borrowed from the local casino as a pay day advance and I am to pay it back next week. I have work to do then, and I need my car! But this is definitely a reminder that right now I cannot afford the support of therapy. I wonder what will happen in session when I say I cannot do weekly. She wants me to see her weekly, but I feel it is more stress for me if I do. The point is to heal... Finances are a big part of my issues with myself and obviously with my marriage. I really do not know what to do about this.
Do I need therapy at all? I feel like I do not but I am honestly doing this to prove to myself that I am okay and that I really need to stop letting others effect me and make me feel like I am irrational or do not make sense. Many times I feel others do not make sense, and when I talk to level headed natural parties, they would say I do make sense. Ultimately, who cares? We are all crazy. We are all sane.
This online diary, will probably reveal my troubled mind, my troubled heart, and by enduring soul. Is this how all artists think? I remember my parents telling me not to be so open, not to share everything in the MySpace days. And here I am, doing it all again. Perhaps I felt happiest when I let my thoughts go into the digital ether... and I feel more of the universe responds to me as well.
I get on my computer and I begin to post about the project I am a part of. I schedule some for later, and I even go back and retro date some posts. It worked, I got responses. I am left with a feeling of longing for my old band, but I know that is impossible... I feel it is time I try to get a new lineup going for Blackwater Prophecy. I am not sure what is an accurate answer as to why I still hold on, but I accept that I am Blackwater Prophecy.
Sharing videos and music from The Crash Recovery made me realize how helpless I am when it comes to the songs I wrote with them. I have no control of the release and marketing of them, and the project is still in hiatus. I wonder if it will ever come back.
And with Finding THETIS, I am happy to contribute, but it is not the expression I need to feel whole musically. I don't mind writing lyrics that tell a story that has nothing to do with the inner voice I have which wants to speak, but it does leave me wanting to express myself.
Even working with Jigarot was so fun but I will never get to perform them live. That is another aspect that affects my musical happiness.
Back to Finding THETIS, I know that the project will end come summer, and that is very hard for me as I am tired, so very tired, of starting over with bands.
As I posted the videos, songs, and links to reviews, I started thinking about wanting to create more music.
My neighbor stopped by asking if I had a bowl to share. I am glad someone is smoking my supply as I really so rarely do so. In the past I had people around who used it recreationally or medicinally, but I hardly ever touch it unless I have really bad back pain or a migraine, which I forgot about having treatment for the past couple of mornings. He left and I jumped back to the computer working on marketing.
Back on the computer my friend Lexi's mom messages me on Facebook with a chain message telling me I am a strong woman. I thank her and she responds with telling me I am beautiful inside and out. I spoke to Lexi the past week through messenger though not at great length. I filled her in with what is going on. She told me her mom had been talking about me a lot lately. I wonder why but I did not ask her. I assume it is because I recently posted photos of Lexi and I from several years ago and it made her think of how close we are.
Before I know it, my husband is home. The split pea soup is ready as I kept an eye on it, even added garlic to it, and I suggest we eat and watch the Travelers. He was happy to. We sit and watch a couple of episodes. I ask him if I can sit next to him and lean on him and he agrees but has a reluctant feeling about him so I say never mind, I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I choose to let it go. I offer fortune cookies from my dad's house and he tells me that he had one yesterday and there was no fortune. I laugh in agreement since I shared that experience. He has a cookie and says to me, "This one was written by Micheal Jackson's son."
"Blanket?" I ask.
"It is a blanket statement." he makes me laugh. I realize it has been a long while since he made a silly joke like this. He used to make them all the time, and I miss this. Is this a sign he is happier? Does being happier involve me not being in his life? I fight these thoughts as I want to count my blessings instead.
I find saltine crackers at the bottom of the brown paper bag that I came home with when I visited my dad last. He had earlier said that it was too bad we did not have any, but now we do!
At 7:30 he calls it. He tells me that yesterday I told him it was 8 pm but he did not get to bed until 10. He tells me about some concerns at work, nothing major, but I was glad he was sharing his day with me. I hope he knows that I like him to share. But I still look at him and I miss him.
I feel like he was a plant all along, and now he switched. Perhaps he got tired of his assignment, perhaps he is being reassigned... perhaps I watch too much sci-fi thriller programs... What is the lesson in this? What is the right path to take?
I remember that during the show I heard a Facebook Messenger call and decided to check to see who called. It was an old friend of mine who is also a musician, Alan! I call back via Facebook and we catch up with each other. At first we are awkward echoing "How are you?"and "I am well, how are you?"
I tell Alan about my musical endeavors and he tells me of his. He is forming a Spanish metal band and has songs in drop be. They had me specifically in mind since he knows my style and knows the Blackwater Prophecy tuning. I find this synergistic with my intentions and am pleased and perhaps even excited to participate. I tell him I am indeed willing to commute since I am trying to see my dad once a week so I can make use of my time in Orange County. He tells me that we will figure it out and not stress about the whole thing.
Is this synchronicity? I feel it is. I think about how my husband said one of the things he used to love about me was my creative passion and he thinks I lost it. I wonder if any of this would make a difference. Maybe that's the point. I just have to do these things for myself, and succeed at all I do. This isn't something I can expect anyone else to care about or support me in because it is only something I want for myself, to express and share with others.
I really need to stop thinking about too many things, and I need to focus.
I go and grab that thc drink, but it seems to have no affect on me, nor did the wax pen hit that I took.
I don't need it anyway. It is a waste of money, I just have these left overs.
I am admitting possibly for the first time, or rather second time per last entry that I used cannabis products. I did not try any until I was 29, and while I was pretty much straight edge and not even drinking until I was 24, I was always an advocate for this natural plant which has many healing properties and uses. However, even now, I am not in agreement of it's over use. I feel I need to express this.
I don't feel sleepy, and my stomach feels full. I am going to work on some more things - a music video for The Crash Recovery as I do have access to the Facebook page, and perhaps some Jafra stuff as I want to start working with that too... Maybe I am beginning to spread myself too much again, maybe that's what I need...
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