As you saw in my last post, my husband did not respond to my final texts, and today, he missed hockey. If he didn't go to hockey because he slept in, then I have to admit, I am glad he slept in. Sleep has been a major issue for him for so long now. But when he came into the house and made coffee, with a smile on his face, and excitement in his voice to get back to lounging around to do nothing, I took a stand. I asked him to sleep with me one night a week at least. He asked which night would be best and I suggested Friday night. He agreed since Saturdays he usually does not work. But this honestly comes as a bittersweet decision for me.
On the one hand, he is being cooperative, or at least complaint to what I ask of him affection wise. On the other hand, it is not coming from him. I cannot help but wonder if he will ever want me at all. And how will I feel if I get in shape and he wants me then? Relieved? Frustrated? Disillusioned? Happy? What does it matter. I need to be in the moment.
He agreed, This is good news. I will have him to snuggle with one night a week. And I might lose that night once hockey starts up again, I may have to change it. But he is obliging my requests.
He doesn't respond to that thought process, not even to say that I have hope and he does not as he has in the past. He tells me he likes the sorbet ice cream that I do not, and since he mentioned putting ice cream in his coffee as creamer since we have no milk, I show my disapproval as I imagine the taste. He laughs about it and corrects me, he likes it on it's own, not in the coffee. We go about our morning, he pours me coffee into a cup with two scoops of vanilla ice cream.
I tell him we'll be fine, that this is just a phase. After watching a Ted talk the night before, I find myself echoing the words from one of the speakers for a topic about qualifying yourself for divorce, "How do we know?" I ask him rhetorically. "How do we know this is not just a phase? There are worst situations and most problems can be worked out."
He plays with the dogs, all of them and they are so happy. He picks them up one at a time, and I laugh at how silly it all is. For a moment things feel normal again, like they were before, like all the moments he just does not remember.
I invite him out to eat but he had his heart set on staying in. I suggest watching the show and he agrees but I could tell he really wanted to spend all day playing video games. I re-watch the episode from the night before and we finish off the series. He stretches and puts his arms over his head and remains that way for a while. I wonder if it is an invitation to snuggle but I am scared to assume such a thing when he has been recoiling, seemingly, from my brushing up against him. Eventually he puts his arms back down.
I am proud of that idea: "Hope fluctuates. Faith remains. Hope is selfish, faith is selfless."
At one point I get bold and ask if I could put my feet under him. He is fine with is and so I am happy with just having my feet under his leg. The final episode comes on and I ask if he wants to watch it too. His words, "Let's get it over with." and I couldn't help but feel I forced him to watch the show thinking he enjoyed it. I am in my head again, I need to stop. I tease, "Once this episode is over you can play video games all you want. Will that make you happy?"
"I am happy either way." He said so casually. I wondered about this, is he over his funk? This sounds more like the husband I remember! I get ready for work and leave him to his casual day. I do ask for a kiss goodbye and he obliges. It feels a little goofier, a little happier... is this the truth or my perspective?
I don't want to drive as long tonight. But I keep thinking about everything I have to pay this week. I need to pay the therapist, I owe my mom money too. It's a lot of stress. But I can do this! I think about my husband's comment. I send a text telling hims I am glad he said that. No response. He just doesn't have anything to contribute I suppose... but I wish he'd talk to me.
Again, I have good conversations with passengers. But I will leave it out for now, as none of it is relevant really. One of my last rides buys me a bean and cheese burrito. That is nice but I turn out not to be so hungry after all. I will eat it tomorrow.
I cash out at $120, I put $25 worth of gas. I check my account and I have $266 available balance. My stomach sinks, $220 or that will go straight to the therapist tomorrow, I still need to go get my lab tests done this week and pick up my heart burn prescriptions. Plus my mom... I may beg my husband to let me borrow money for my mom, because I just need a little help to get through this week.
I most definitely cannot see this therapist. This is causing way more stress for me. I am not sure how I will even explain all this. I may get too nervous and she might succeed at convincing me to keep seeing her so that these last two sessions are not throw-away sessions.
My friends, Kevin and Kurt both have offered to lend an ear, but honestly, it is not the same. Kurt, bless his heart, is a sweet soul and cares, and yet I find no comfort in talking to him about anything regarding my life. Sometimes I am not sure why I reach out... our communication styles are simply different, and I have always felt something was missing... Yet I value his friendships and company... so there is that. But I cannot rely on him to vent to so to feel sane. It just is not the same as talking to a professional.
And Kevin is understanding, and empathetic to my dilemma. I do feel safer and more at ease telling him all of my nervous thoughts and fear based ideas. Still, I do not wish to burden him and he is not always available either.
I see no other option that a therapist, although maybe it is just residual wanting therapy from the couple's therapy. Honestly, I want us to go to therapy together through a different approach, my husband and I, but he refuses anymore. This is a point of hurt as well.
I get home and think that he has gone to bed. All four cats are outside, and they all run in with me, hungry and acting neglected. As I walk in I see he is in the TV Room playing video games and he says, "I don't think they don't like me anymore." as he notices the cats come running in behind me.
"Well you don't like them, so of course they don't like you." I say and he agrees with that logic. I quickly think about the possibility of more happening here. Do the cats sense a negativity around him? How come the dogs are okay with him then? They still all come to me more that him anymore, but he does show a lot of love for the dogs.
I express my surprise at his being awake. And he agrees and says he is finishing up his game. Soon he says he is going to bed and I take advantage and ask for a hug and a kiss. He grants my request, but the kiss feels reluctant in comparison to earlier. I thank him anyway.
He lingers a bit and tells me about one of our game friends' new character. He sounds joyful and even laughs. My heart warms. And still I can feel myself wishing he was that passionate about me. I remember when he used to be. But it does not matter now. At least he is smiling and laughing. That makes me happy.
I wait for him to get to my mom's house before turning off the light... And I type up the last two days.
Now to get ready for bed myself...
Final thoughts, that show should does parallel feelings for me right now, the main one being faith.
Yesterday I lost hope, and today I strengthened my faith. I know everything will be fine, regardless of outcome. But yes, I hope my husband and I can find our way back to each other better than ever. I feel it begin. So faith and hope... still a thing here.
On the one hand, he is being cooperative, or at least complaint to what I ask of him affection wise. On the other hand, it is not coming from him. I cannot help but wonder if he will ever want me at all. And how will I feel if I get in shape and he wants me then? Relieved? Frustrated? Disillusioned? Happy? What does it matter. I need to be in the moment.
He agreed, This is good news. I will have him to snuggle with one night a week. And I might lose that night once hockey starts up again, I may have to change it. But he is obliging my requests.
He doesn't respond to that thought process, not even to say that I have hope and he does not as he has in the past. He tells me he likes the sorbet ice cream that I do not, and since he mentioned putting ice cream in his coffee as creamer since we have no milk, I show my disapproval as I imagine the taste. He laughs about it and corrects me, he likes it on it's own, not in the coffee. We go about our morning, he pours me coffee into a cup with two scoops of vanilla ice cream.
I tell him we'll be fine, that this is just a phase. After watching a Ted talk the night before, I find myself echoing the words from one of the speakers for a topic about qualifying yourself for divorce, "How do we know?" I ask him rhetorically. "How do we know this is not just a phase? There are worst situations and most problems can be worked out."
He plays with the dogs, all of them and they are so happy. He picks them up one at a time, and I laugh at how silly it all is. For a moment things feel normal again, like they were before, like all the moments he just does not remember.
I invite him out to eat but he had his heart set on staying in. I suggest watching the show and he agrees but I could tell he really wanted to spend all day playing video games. I re-watch the episode from the night before and we finish off the series. He stretches and puts his arms over his head and remains that way for a while. I wonder if it is an invitation to snuggle but I am scared to assume such a thing when he has been recoiling, seemingly, from my brushing up against him. Eventually he puts his arms back down.
I send a message to my friend Kevin, since I got a spark going fueling my faith. The following image is my message.
I am proud of that idea: "Hope fluctuates. Faith remains. Hope is selfish, faith is selfless."
At one point I get bold and ask if I could put my feet under him. He is fine with is and so I am happy with just having my feet under his leg. The final episode comes on and I ask if he wants to watch it too. His words, "Let's get it over with." and I couldn't help but feel I forced him to watch the show thinking he enjoyed it. I am in my head again, I need to stop. I tease, "Once this episode is over you can play video games all you want. Will that make you happy?"
"I am happy either way." He said so casually. I wondered about this, is he over his funk? This sounds more like the husband I remember! I get ready for work and leave him to his casual day. I do ask for a kiss goodbye and he obliges. It feels a little goofier, a little happier... is this the truth or my perspective?
I don't want to drive as long tonight. But I keep thinking about everything I have to pay this week. I need to pay the therapist, I owe my mom money too. It's a lot of stress. But I can do this! I think about my husband's comment. I send a text telling hims I am glad he said that. No response. He just doesn't have anything to contribute I suppose... but I wish he'd talk to me.
Again, I have good conversations with passengers. But I will leave it out for now, as none of it is relevant really. One of my last rides buys me a bean and cheese burrito. That is nice but I turn out not to be so hungry after all. I will eat it tomorrow.
I cash out at $120, I put $25 worth of gas. I check my account and I have $266 available balance. My stomach sinks, $220 or that will go straight to the therapist tomorrow, I still need to go get my lab tests done this week and pick up my heart burn prescriptions. Plus my mom... I may beg my husband to let me borrow money for my mom, because I just need a little help to get through this week.
I most definitely cannot see this therapist. This is causing way more stress for me. I am not sure how I will even explain all this. I may get too nervous and she might succeed at convincing me to keep seeing her so that these last two sessions are not throw-away sessions.
My friends, Kevin and Kurt both have offered to lend an ear, but honestly, it is not the same. Kurt, bless his heart, is a sweet soul and cares, and yet I find no comfort in talking to him about anything regarding my life. Sometimes I am not sure why I reach out... our communication styles are simply different, and I have always felt something was missing... Yet I value his friendships and company... so there is that. But I cannot rely on him to vent to so to feel sane. It just is not the same as talking to a professional.
And Kevin is understanding, and empathetic to my dilemma. I do feel safer and more at ease telling him all of my nervous thoughts and fear based ideas. Still, I do not wish to burden him and he is not always available either.
I see no other option that a therapist, although maybe it is just residual wanting therapy from the couple's therapy. Honestly, I want us to go to therapy together through a different approach, my husband and I, but he refuses anymore. This is a point of hurt as well.
I get home and think that he has gone to bed. All four cats are outside, and they all run in with me, hungry and acting neglected. As I walk in I see he is in the TV Room playing video games and he says, "I don't think they don't like me anymore." as he notices the cats come running in behind me.
"Well you don't like them, so of course they don't like you." I say and he agrees with that logic. I quickly think about the possibility of more happening here. Do the cats sense a negativity around him? How come the dogs are okay with him then? They still all come to me more that him anymore, but he does show a lot of love for the dogs.
I express my surprise at his being awake. And he agrees and says he is finishing up his game. Soon he says he is going to bed and I take advantage and ask for a hug and a kiss. He grants my request, but the kiss feels reluctant in comparison to earlier. I thank him anyway.
He lingers a bit and tells me about one of our game friends' new character. He sounds joyful and even laughs. My heart warms. And still I can feel myself wishing he was that passionate about me. I remember when he used to be. But it does not matter now. At least he is smiling and laughing. That makes me happy.
I wait for him to get to my mom's house before turning off the light... And I type up the last two days.
Now to get ready for bed myself...
Final thoughts, that show should does parallel feelings for me right now, the main one being faith.
Yesterday I lost hope, and today I strengthened my faith. I know everything will be fine, regardless of outcome. But yes, I hope my husband and I can find our way back to each other better than ever. I feel it begin. So faith and hope... still a thing here.
Comments
Post a Comment