Day 22: Heart break = Flu Symptoms

I wake up to the sound of the gate being opened.  The Sophia and Artemis get off the bed and go to the door wanting to go outside, Penelope of course stays cozy in bed.  The cats get up and want food.  I see the van through the window, he's going to work.  I thought he had the day off!  Well now I feel silly for having wanted him to sleep in our bed last night.

I message him, "I thought you had the day off?" He responds and tells me he is getting an oil change and returning client keys.  I worry in my head briefly that he is meeting some mysterious woman... is his attention elsewhere?  No... not him?  But he is a man.

He surprises me with another text, "You are right though.  I don't feel still in love with you.  Feels kinda fiendish, but more business associates now.  I won't be sleeping in the house."

Unacceptable!  He has to try!!!  He agreed to give me one day a week.  And he had told me to give him time and he would be intimate.  If we are friends, why not with benefits, that is exactly what a marriage is in many ways, friends, with benefits, and business associates... trifecta....  Is he mental?

My head starts to hurt.  I realize I woke up with nasal drip and a sore throat but now it gets worse.  I don't want to do anything, I want to lay in bed...  Am I being over dramatic?  Yes... Yes I am.  I need to calm down.

I message back in tears, "Please, friends is good.  But please sleep in bed with me from time to time.  If we don't make an effort to be close the rift will only get bigger.  Of course it feels like friends only, we haven't put any sort of intimacy.  We don't cuddle or anything. Please try."

That's not enough, keep typing... "If we are friends" I continue typing, "then let's be friends. You are my best friend.  Perhaps my only true and real friend.  We're both already here.  Let's keep going."

Okay I am typing too much, but one more message to make it light... "Whatever. I will wait till you come home and then go to work.  You'll have the house to yourself."  What the heck was that.  Oh well I sent it.

He tells me he is going to be a couple of hours and I tell him I have a migraine so I am going to lay in bed some more.

I post on Facebook... I am such a millennial about these things.  A cry for help.  It's probably healthier just to scream rather that post a status update saying "Woe's me!"  I post about feeling heartbroken and immediately one Facebook friends, two of his sisters, my cousins who just came down to visit me, my cousin who is going to be a grandma again, and his mom reached out.  As I began to respond to their messages, the phone rings.  It's my mother-in-law.

I answer but just after the answering machine.  I am glad to hear from her and I want to tell her everything, I've wanted to but I didn't want to overstep my husband's boundaries.  But I do so love my mom-in-law.

I tell her, I vent carefully, and I have her sympathy.  It is not about sides, but it is about us.  She knows how much I love him, she sees that it is rare and a good thing, but we both know there is no convincing him, all we can do is suggest.  We both agree, and his sisters, that he must be going through something and should seek professional help in counseling, but I know that ship has sailed for now. 

I do feel better after speaking with her.  I assure her I will not give up and I will fight for us because I see no reason why it cannot work.  We both discuss concern for his self care, he wouldn't even get insurance this year and sometimes I wish he'd go to the doctor for different things... example, his face bled last month, just randomly...  What if it was serious?  Luckily it stopped, it was maybe just very dry skin?

She gets off the phone just as my husband got home.  He put the dogs inside but did not come in like usual.  I decided to go look for him.  If he won't come to me, I will go to him.

I knock on the sliding door as it is locked from the inside.  He opens it with a smile.... this fricken guy...

I come in and he asks if the other door to that house is open and I tell him my mom always keeps it locked.  I wonder if he has ever wondered why I didn't invade his bed at night... the door is locked that's why.

He gets in bed under the covers to play video games.  I tell him I am invading his space by laying next to him.I sit up on the bed next to him and watch him play.  He makes comments about the game and laughs at his own comments.  I feel frozen but begin to ask things like, "How can you go from one day everything is getting better, to the next day saying things will not get better?  It does not make sense?"  I sense his reluctance build.  I am invading his space alright.

"Maybe I just wasn't sure." He tells me.  But that raises more questions which I decide not to ask.  Perhaps he wasn't sure things were getting better... perhaps he was not sure things would ever get better.  Oh my poor love, how he suffers from ambivalence.  Uncertainty is killer!

I end up scooting down to nap because I feel so tired and my sinuses are hurting, and I can't fight back the tears.  My nose keeps running too.  He is focused firmly on his video game.  I ask him is I can be his third hand and put it down his pants.  Honestly, I don't even want to get frisky, I am just trying to gauge his reaction. He seems to stiffen up but agrees.  I unbutton his pants and unzip and I slide my hand over him and to his left hip opposite my position on his right side.  I think he was okay with this, I think he didn't want me to try to get frisky and I suspect because he seriously doesn't feel comfortable with me in that way right now.

I feel safe holding onto him, laying next to him.  I am being selfish though.  I struggle with this.  On the one hand he consented, on the other, I have my insecurities.

"What do you want to eat for dinner?" I inquire.  "I can make spaghetti."

"Spaghetti sounds good!" He approves.

"Okay I will probably make it before I go to work, although I am feeling terrible, I can't drive like this."  I am beginning to worry I am sick...  Or was it the crying?  My head feels like there is pressure everywhere...

I go inside and let the dogs out.  I begin to make spaghetti.  There is not much left, I still need to go grocery shopping... this was something I used to do with our joint account, then he removed me and decided he would go shopping, but now that I am trying to show him I can contribute more financially, I had ended up with the task this week... but all I've bought is milk and produce!

As the spaghetti is finished being prepared, I get a notification from Netflix.  The Shinara Chronicals is back with season 2! My husband and I enjoyed this show, we can watch this... that's my excuse to hang out with him.  I call him about food and the show and he tells me he will be in shortly.  I turn on Netflix and put on She-Ra since it came up in my search... I figure I have time. 

He came in and saw He-Man on the screen and comments but I correct him on it being She-Ra.  We make fun of it and go serve ourselves spaghetti.  We grate the mozzarella cheese and I feel so domestic with him.  We talk about our missing cheese grater and how the one we are using sucks.  I am amused so greatly by these silly moments.  Why do we care so much about a cheese grater?  It's funny to me.

We watch the show and I feel sicker and sicker now.  Headache, running nose, sneezing coughing, major drowsiness too!  It makes me remember to tell him that my insurance coverage is in effect.  He asks, "Do you feel like you are dying?" 

"No, but I do feel sick.  Anyway just letting you know."  I know he thinks I am a hypochondriac, so his question may have been mockery, but I don't know.  It's just how my mind works.

My band mates text about practice tomorrow.  I tell them I am losing my voice.  Our guitarist is still sick too.  I guess we're all good to spread the germs tomorrow.  I joke about scoring some speed for symptom relieve and our bassists jokes back about me needing Haitian cocaine. Our guitarist thinks we're wild for coming up with such silliness.

The show continues.  We snack on popcorn, chips, and even ice cream...  I should not have drank that shake... too cold.  My husband boils water for tea and we both have our respective flavors prepared.  I am under a blanket and I just fell full blown sick. 

Bed time rolls around and I ask for a hug but to stay clear of my face... I don't want to get him sick.  I ask him to squeeze me tight, and he does.  Friends... I can work with that...

He goes to bed and I stay up a bit longer to catch up on my blogging. 

I feel like I am dying...  I got my flu shot, what the heck is this all about?!!!