I wake up late. It's already noon. I lost my morning but I feel good. A little groggy, but good. I think about driving but I am so exhausted for some reason. I manage to get out of bed and I decide to tidy up. Upkeep is important after the house cleaning. I take out the trash and recyclables. While I am outside I decide to replant a cactus which the gofers destroyed. Hopefully it re-sprouts roots.
As I walk over to dig the hole I see my husband driving up our dirt road. I open the gate for him and close it behind him and go back to digging. He walks over to see what I am doing and I ask for his help stabilizing the cactus as I step on the dirt around it to harden it. Having him help me makes my heart beat faster. I just feel so happy around him, even when I am nervous anymore, or when I am wondering what the deal is.
We head back inside and he goes to the bathroom. I decide to quickly rearrange the furniture. I put the couch against the far wall in the TV room, perpendicular to the TV and I put his recliner and my chair I bought for 10 in front of the TV. Somehow it opens up the space.
We end up hanging out and watching the Netflix original, "The End of the F***ing World". This series is so odd and we both thoroughly enjoy it. We talk about things in between the show. I tell him bout my adventures with my cousins. He tells me about work. I ask him if he works tomorrow and when he confirms he does not, I ask him to sleep with me in our bed but he gets tense. It's slight but I notice.
It gets late and he gets up and is ready to go to the trailer house. I suggest him sleep with me again and he says he wants to play video games. We go back and forth neither of us wanting to force what we want on the other. I tell him, "Whatever you want."
He smiles and looks at me from the doorway to the TV room as I sit on the couch, "Anything I want, huh?" He chuckles.
I wonder if he is flirting. "Always." I shoot back. And when I ask why he laughed he deflects. But I finally get him to answer and he claims it was simply that he doesn't always get what he wants. He also ignores the question of "What do you want?" I guess I'll never know.
He goes to bed and I am left alone with the animals to comfort me. Everyone fed, everyone inside, I grab the cats and throw them onto my bed, the dogs follow. I have a heater turned on in every room and of course the bedroom. It is a cold night and it hurts my bones. How I wish I had my husband to warm the bed with me, but alas... Life is this way sometimes.
I message him from bed, "Do you still love me?"
No answer.
A couple hours later, still in bed, wide awake I message him again, "Well, I love you so much. It breaks my heart not being close to you. It's been such a short time and it feels like ages. I don't know how to heal us. I feel so desperate and yet frozen. I really need you. I need your reassurance, your love, your friendship. Anyway, I still believe in a happily ever after for us... But I am a dreamer."
No answer.
Oh these 3 dogs and 4 cats... they must know because they comfort me so.
Is there a prayer I can say and it will be answered? Is there a magick spell where I can light a candle and he will come back to me? How pathetic I feel. If he were anyone else I would have left, but he met me after my lessons, and I know not to throw something so precious away. But the process is painful and sometimes I feel foolish for chasing.
As I walk over to dig the hole I see my husband driving up our dirt road. I open the gate for him and close it behind him and go back to digging. He walks over to see what I am doing and I ask for his help stabilizing the cactus as I step on the dirt around it to harden it. Having him help me makes my heart beat faster. I just feel so happy around him, even when I am nervous anymore, or when I am wondering what the deal is.
We head back inside and he goes to the bathroom. I decide to quickly rearrange the furniture. I put the couch against the far wall in the TV room, perpendicular to the TV and I put his recliner and my chair I bought for 10 in front of the TV. Somehow it opens up the space.
We end up hanging out and watching the Netflix original, "The End of the F***ing World". This series is so odd and we both thoroughly enjoy it. We talk about things in between the show. I tell him bout my adventures with my cousins. He tells me about work. I ask him if he works tomorrow and when he confirms he does not, I ask him to sleep with me in our bed but he gets tense. It's slight but I notice.
It gets late and he gets up and is ready to go to the trailer house. I suggest him sleep with me again and he says he wants to play video games. We go back and forth neither of us wanting to force what we want on the other. I tell him, "Whatever you want."
He smiles and looks at me from the doorway to the TV room as I sit on the couch, "Anything I want, huh?" He chuckles.
I wonder if he is flirting. "Always." I shoot back. And when I ask why he laughed he deflects. But I finally get him to answer and he claims it was simply that he doesn't always get what he wants. He also ignores the question of "What do you want?" I guess I'll never know.
He goes to bed and I am left alone with the animals to comfort me. Everyone fed, everyone inside, I grab the cats and throw them onto my bed, the dogs follow. I have a heater turned on in every room and of course the bedroom. It is a cold night and it hurts my bones. How I wish I had my husband to warm the bed with me, but alas... Life is this way sometimes.
I message him from bed, "Do you still love me?"
No answer.
A couple hours later, still in bed, wide awake I message him again, "Well, I love you so much. It breaks my heart not being close to you. It's been such a short time and it feels like ages. I don't know how to heal us. I feel so desperate and yet frozen. I really need you. I need your reassurance, your love, your friendship. Anyway, I still believe in a happily ever after for us... But I am a dreamer."
No answer.
Oh these 3 dogs and 4 cats... they must know because they comfort me so.
Is there a prayer I can say and it will be answered? Is there a magick spell where I can light a candle and he will come back to me? How pathetic I feel. If he were anyone else I would have left, but he met me after my lessons, and I know not to throw something so precious away. But the process is painful and sometimes I feel foolish for chasing.
I feel foolish for still loving him, but he has my heart, and I don't feel I belong anywhere else. I know everything happens for a reason, I know there is a master plan, but I also know we do have free will and we can manifest our direct paths... there is absolutely no reason why this wouldn't work if we both put in the effort.
Sleep is my solace tonight.
Sleep is my solace tonight.
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| Tragic Love by Bruno Medina https://brunomedina.deviantart.com/art/Tragic-Love-337645861 |
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