Waking up with a migraine is never fun. I feel a sharp pounding behind my left eye. I wonder if it has to do with eating any type of sugars the night before. I am studying up on ketosis and I keep these sorts of things in mind. A facebook message comes through from my mom asking me what is going on with me since she is not coming today after her car had stopped working. I tell her about my symptoms and, of course, she worries.
I am supposed to go to band practice tonight but now I am feeling nauseated. Upon sharing this in group text the consensus is that I stay home... good advice, I should take it.
I woke up late and lost my morning. The rain rages on outside and the dogs need to go out to do their doggy business. My cats are extremely bored and upset that I am not allowing them to go outside today.
All day all I can think is how much money I need to survive my financial obligations. I am going to therapy now and that is $180 a week. I know I cannot afford that comfortably, but I want to push myself to do it also, mainly because I feel after 36 years, it's time I take care of my mental and emotional health myself. But I want to scale down to every other week, which is still a bit much for me right now but it is manageable.
I remember commenting about my dad's company's website incorrect address and call my sister who is in charge of it while our dad is ill. This is a heavy task, and I know exactly the struggle she is facing as I faced the same road blocks with procedures when I worked there. We have a long conversation, about work, about our lives, about our dogs, and about our dad. I miss her. We were very close once and I should make sure we remain so. Life happens and we have to make the time.
I decide to unpack that bag of goodies Avery gave me and I find the THC pink lemonade I had given my dad... Did he say he did not want it? Did Avery not want to let him drink some? He is dealing with so much pain and she isn't letting anyone help. What is the point of getting upset, I know she is doing everything she believes is right, belief is dangerous sometimes, but there is nothing I can do and she is doing things out of love. I accept that. I figure, I can drink this periodically then.
By 5 pm I decide to drive. It's raining so people will need rides. But it is a slow start and I am hungry, so I grab a $5 fill up meal at KFC. I log out and eat my dinner, then I head back out.
My first pick up is a woman who works for the fire department. She asks, "What are you doing driving in the rain?"
"People need rides in the rain." I answered, and we had a conversation about Jamul, where I live, this weather, and the effect of the storm in Ventura County after those terrible fires. She was on her way to the Enterprise car rental to be able to drive up for the assist. Now that all the brush is gone, they are facing landslides. The collapsed in certain spots so she will have to travel north of the point then back down to assist with the landslide. People are missing, and in the tens confirmed dead.
I decide to cash out after a few more short rides at $23. This is good enough. I am not earning a big amount and I want to get home and see Robert. I just want to be with him and I will take any moment I can with him. I called to check in on his ETA, and we agreed to meet at the house. I am happy that the conversations between us are happy. I am looking forward to split pea soup which Robert said he would make with the left over ham from New Years, and some split peas we had in a packet.
I tell him about the conversation with my sister and how I relayed to her that it stings a bit when I know dad doesn't answer the phone when we call but has answered the phone when others call during my visits. My husband's response was, "Everything stings." and I ignore the jab that it is on his part, whether he meant it maliciously or not. This is no time to communicate hurt feelings. I have to remember this.
I decide also to make a pit stop at Micheal's and buy two sketch books and drawing pencils which come with an eraser and sharpener. On New Years I enrolled in a Udemy course for $10 on drawing. I can draw, but I want to be better, and I feel like I need more creative outlets to aid in my healing. I spend $24 with all the coupons. This is more that I want to spend, but I decide to get started on my drawing.
Driving up Skyline the fog thickens and the rain slows and rages off and on. I can't see too far ahead and not far from my house, driving uphill I spot a rock slide too little too late. I try to slow down and go around but I am too close and my car takes damage. Immediately the dash warns me of low tire pressure and I wonder if I can make it home or if I will have to call AAA.
I hear the thudding of the flat tire and find a small turn out, not too safe out of the way but safe enough to park into. My front passenger tire is completely flat. I worry about what I will do to earn money the next few days or longer. If I have to pay, how will I pay? These things are more stress for my marriage right now and I do not want to lean on my husband when he already feels I am using him. "Calm yourself" my inner voice now soothes me instead of scaring me.
I call AAA, and I call my husband at home. I wait as cars pass by. One very nice man pulled over to check on me, and even asked if I wanted him to wait with me. "Oh universe," I thought to myself, "thank you! Though I wish it were my husband who would be here, even though it is unnecessary." I tell the mad he does not need to do that, but thank him anyway. I feel he really wants to stay, he seems genuinely worried but he goes.
Not long after the tow truck arrives and we get the car onto the truck bed. I look underneath the car once it is on the bed and I see more damage to the under cover thing which until now I just keep duct taping on so to keep driving. "I can't keep this up, can I?" I asked myself in my thoughts. I wonder if it is time I get a regular job until I can sustain myself in a flexible manner. I shake that idea off. I will keep driving. I just need to fix this.
Upon getting to the house I find the gate already open, courtesy of my husband, and as we backed up the truck he came out to help. I felt good that he did. Of course he did, he cares. I give a window fog wiper thing to the tow truck driver because his windows do not have a defrost feature and he was struggles to see in weather like this.
I grab my art supplies, a Jafra catalog, and my tablet so I had something to do once my husband retired to the guest house tonight. Entering the house I spelled the split pea soup. My husband started sharing about his day and how he realized why he had that bleeding bump on his forehead. I laughed when he said he hit his head on a chandelier. He always hits his head on those things at his jobs. He warms up some left over pizza and I grab a tuna sandwich my mom had brought over the last time I saw her. We sit down to watch our current show of interest, The Travelers. Just one episode because at this point it is already past 8 pm.
I show him the thc pink lemonade and make myself a spiked juice mix... I don't finish it and it ends up in the refrigerator again.
I am mildly disappointed that I got back so late, I want to spend more time with him. This is unfortunate but I am grateful I get to spend time with him at all. Sitting next to him tonight, I contemplate leaning on him and attempting to snuggle, but I don't.
The episode ends and he expresses how great he's been sleeping in the guest house. I feel a mild sting. I remember him saying, "Everything stings." Of course it does. I am fragile right now. But I am strong too.
I ask him if he wants to put a bed in the loft after all, but I get no response. Off to bed he goes. I am alone again. Well, we are alone again. It is obvious the dogs miss him. Sophia seeks him out a lot. But I think they know... It's me and them. And the cats are perhaps seemingly neutral, but they sure snuggle with me more these days.
I emailed my therapist about rescheduling, and I plan to call her in the morning. I am out a car and I don't know for how long. And I don't know how this will impact my financial state right now. I do hope this is enough notice to reschedule, I don't want to have to pay for not seeing her. This therapy thing may be more of a stress factor than a healing factor. Is mental wellness only for the well off? Do I even need this? Are these other people's words in my mind? I think I have deep down decided to stop going. But I am fighting that idea at the same time.
I hope I decide correctly.
I am supposed to go to band practice tonight but now I am feeling nauseated. Upon sharing this in group text the consensus is that I stay home... good advice, I should take it.
I woke up late and lost my morning. The rain rages on outside and the dogs need to go out to do their doggy business. My cats are extremely bored and upset that I am not allowing them to go outside today.
All day all I can think is how much money I need to survive my financial obligations. I am going to therapy now and that is $180 a week. I know I cannot afford that comfortably, but I want to push myself to do it also, mainly because I feel after 36 years, it's time I take care of my mental and emotional health myself. But I want to scale down to every other week, which is still a bit much for me right now but it is manageable.
I remember commenting about my dad's company's website incorrect address and call my sister who is in charge of it while our dad is ill. This is a heavy task, and I know exactly the struggle she is facing as I faced the same road blocks with procedures when I worked there. We have a long conversation, about work, about our lives, about our dogs, and about our dad. I miss her. We were very close once and I should make sure we remain so. Life happens and we have to make the time.
I decide to unpack that bag of goodies Avery gave me and I find the THC pink lemonade I had given my dad... Did he say he did not want it? Did Avery not want to let him drink some? He is dealing with so much pain and she isn't letting anyone help. What is the point of getting upset, I know she is doing everything she believes is right, belief is dangerous sometimes, but there is nothing I can do and she is doing things out of love. I accept that. I figure, I can drink this periodically then.
By 5 pm I decide to drive. It's raining so people will need rides. But it is a slow start and I am hungry, so I grab a $5 fill up meal at KFC. I log out and eat my dinner, then I head back out.
My first pick up is a woman who works for the fire department. She asks, "What are you doing driving in the rain?"
"People need rides in the rain." I answered, and we had a conversation about Jamul, where I live, this weather, and the effect of the storm in Ventura County after those terrible fires. She was on her way to the Enterprise car rental to be able to drive up for the assist. Now that all the brush is gone, they are facing landslides. The collapsed in certain spots so she will have to travel north of the point then back down to assist with the landslide. People are missing, and in the tens confirmed dead.
I decide to cash out after a few more short rides at $23. This is good enough. I am not earning a big amount and I want to get home and see Robert. I just want to be with him and I will take any moment I can with him. I called to check in on his ETA, and we agreed to meet at the house. I am happy that the conversations between us are happy. I am looking forward to split pea soup which Robert said he would make with the left over ham from New Years, and some split peas we had in a packet.
I tell him about the conversation with my sister and how I relayed to her that it stings a bit when I know dad doesn't answer the phone when we call but has answered the phone when others call during my visits. My husband's response was, "Everything stings." and I ignore the jab that it is on his part, whether he meant it maliciously or not. This is no time to communicate hurt feelings. I have to remember this.
I decide also to make a pit stop at Micheal's and buy two sketch books and drawing pencils which come with an eraser and sharpener. On New Years I enrolled in a Udemy course for $10 on drawing. I can draw, but I want to be better, and I feel like I need more creative outlets to aid in my healing. I spend $24 with all the coupons. This is more that I want to spend, but I decide to get started on my drawing.
Driving up Skyline the fog thickens and the rain slows and rages off and on. I can't see too far ahead and not far from my house, driving uphill I spot a rock slide too little too late. I try to slow down and go around but I am too close and my car takes damage. Immediately the dash warns me of low tire pressure and I wonder if I can make it home or if I will have to call AAA.
I hear the thudding of the flat tire and find a small turn out, not too safe out of the way but safe enough to park into. My front passenger tire is completely flat. I worry about what I will do to earn money the next few days or longer. If I have to pay, how will I pay? These things are more stress for my marriage right now and I do not want to lean on my husband when he already feels I am using him. "Calm yourself" my inner voice now soothes me instead of scaring me.
I call AAA, and I call my husband at home. I wait as cars pass by. One very nice man pulled over to check on me, and even asked if I wanted him to wait with me. "Oh universe," I thought to myself, "thank you! Though I wish it were my husband who would be here, even though it is unnecessary." I tell the mad he does not need to do that, but thank him anyway. I feel he really wants to stay, he seems genuinely worried but he goes.
Not long after the tow truck arrives and we get the car onto the truck bed. I look underneath the car once it is on the bed and I see more damage to the under cover thing which until now I just keep duct taping on so to keep driving. "I can't keep this up, can I?" I asked myself in my thoughts. I wonder if it is time I get a regular job until I can sustain myself in a flexible manner. I shake that idea off. I will keep driving. I just need to fix this.
Upon getting to the house I find the gate already open, courtesy of my husband, and as we backed up the truck he came out to help. I felt good that he did. Of course he did, he cares. I give a window fog wiper thing to the tow truck driver because his windows do not have a defrost feature and he was struggles to see in weather like this.
I grab my art supplies, a Jafra catalog, and my tablet so I had something to do once my husband retired to the guest house tonight. Entering the house I spelled the split pea soup. My husband started sharing about his day and how he realized why he had that bleeding bump on his forehead. I laughed when he said he hit his head on a chandelier. He always hits his head on those things at his jobs. He warms up some left over pizza and I grab a tuna sandwich my mom had brought over the last time I saw her. We sit down to watch our current show of interest, The Travelers. Just one episode because at this point it is already past 8 pm.
I show him the thc pink lemonade and make myself a spiked juice mix... I don't finish it and it ends up in the refrigerator again.
I am mildly disappointed that I got back so late, I want to spend more time with him. This is unfortunate but I am grateful I get to spend time with him at all. Sitting next to him tonight, I contemplate leaning on him and attempting to snuggle, but I don't.
The episode ends and he expresses how great he's been sleeping in the guest house. I feel a mild sting. I remember him saying, "Everything stings." Of course it does. I am fragile right now. But I am strong too.
I ask him if he wants to put a bed in the loft after all, but I get no response. Off to bed he goes. I am alone again. Well, we are alone again. It is obvious the dogs miss him. Sophia seeks him out a lot. But I think they know... It's me and them. And the cats are perhaps seemingly neutral, but they sure snuggle with me more these days.
I emailed my therapist about rescheduling, and I plan to call her in the morning. I am out a car and I don't know for how long. And I don't know how this will impact my financial state right now. I do hope this is enough notice to reschedule, I don't want to have to pay for not seeing her. This therapy thing may be more of a stress factor than a healing factor. Is mental wellness only for the well off? Do I even need this? Are these other people's words in my mind? I think I have deep down decided to stop going. But I am fighting that idea at the same time.
I hope I decide correctly.
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