I didn't get a good start for driving. Truth be told I was hoping my husband would want to spend time with me, but I was kidding myself thinking he was ready for that. All he wants to do is play video games and not worry about anything. I empathize. I understand he is overwhelmed. But I miss him. I love him so much and I miss him which is only worsened because he is here, we have pleasant conversations and yet he feels so absent from my life now.
I gave up and decide to go driving at about 7:30 am. The day is good, and I pick up many different passengers. I go through many different thoughts, but most of them I forget. But some of them find analogies with the show we are watching in relation to the theme in our lives right now. It does feel like my husband isn't himself, and yet, he is. And does it matter? Isn't the soul what matters?
I call him again, a final attempt at trying to spend time with him. I ask if he would like me to get some pizza and we can watch more episodes but he says there is a Kings game tonight and I understand. I want him to be happy, and this makes him happy. I won't take that away from him. I drive longer but now I am beginning to feel drained and more stressed on the road. Several drivers almost collide with me on the freeways by no fault of mine. My passengers seemed to have more aggression towards the carelessness of other drivers than I have the energy to have right now.
I get very sad about this and I cannot fight off the negative thoughts that keep attacking me. I want to go home, but why? What is there to go home to? I don't have a home. That is what it feels like. I can say I have by wonderful animals to come home to, but it just does me no good. Not without my husband being happy with me. Out home is in turmoil right now but he loves just ignoring everything. I need to get out of my own head!
I am additionally stressed about money. I worked such long hours and all the money will be gone come Monday. I owe the therapist $40, and will have to pay another $180. Why didn't I cancel? I was trying to be noble, and keep to my word. But why? I am throwing this money away since I won't continue to see her... or will I? Even if she is so pricey, even if I can just use the Kaiser program, would this be better? I feel that I sabotage myself too often and this was a poor decision on my part. One of desperation because I know I need help. I need a neutral party to lean on for this. I can handle it on my own but I have been handling things on my own and I am tired... but so what? There are people worse off than I and they survive without a therapist. But this worry is not healthy. I know it.
By the time I get home I am spent. I spend 12 hours on the road, I just want to be with my husband. This is beginning to sound pathetic on my part, but I just so very desperately want to know we will be fine, better than fine hopefully. I just want him to say he's still in this to win this.
I do not say much, but I notice he is smiling. I am so tired I don't smile back, but honestly I love that smile and it does make the night better seeing it. But after taking a couple swigs of that THC lemonade to help me sleep again, I go to bed with my Galaxy view, the largest tablet, more like a portable TV, and opt to watch Netflix. I announce I am going to watch the show but I only watch one episode... even now, I felt guilty not watching it with him, and even more important, this show is an excuse lately to be near him without other people around.
Bed time comes around and he announces he is going to bed. I say goodnight from the bedroom and off he went. The THC hits and I start thinking about how stupid all of this is. I text him:
He doesn't respond to my last text. He doesn't say he loves me back. But my final thought before I fall asleep is, "I don't care, I love him anyway, and I will be here when he is over this phase, whatever it may be... I just have to be strong enough!"
I gave up and decide to go driving at about 7:30 am. The day is good, and I pick up many different passengers. I go through many different thoughts, but most of them I forget. But some of them find analogies with the show we are watching in relation to the theme in our lives right now. It does feel like my husband isn't himself, and yet, he is. And does it matter? Isn't the soul what matters?
I call him again, a final attempt at trying to spend time with him. I ask if he would like me to get some pizza and we can watch more episodes but he says there is a Kings game tonight and I understand. I want him to be happy, and this makes him happy. I won't take that away from him. I drive longer but now I am beginning to feel drained and more stressed on the road. Several drivers almost collide with me on the freeways by no fault of mine. My passengers seemed to have more aggression towards the carelessness of other drivers than I have the energy to have right now.
I get very sad about this and I cannot fight off the negative thoughts that keep attacking me. I want to go home, but why? What is there to go home to? I don't have a home. That is what it feels like. I can say I have by wonderful animals to come home to, but it just does me no good. Not without my husband being happy with me. Out home is in turmoil right now but he loves just ignoring everything. I need to get out of my own head!
I am additionally stressed about money. I worked such long hours and all the money will be gone come Monday. I owe the therapist $40, and will have to pay another $180. Why didn't I cancel? I was trying to be noble, and keep to my word. But why? I am throwing this money away since I won't continue to see her... or will I? Even if she is so pricey, even if I can just use the Kaiser program, would this be better? I feel that I sabotage myself too often and this was a poor decision on my part. One of desperation because I know I need help. I need a neutral party to lean on for this. I can handle it on my own but I have been handling things on my own and I am tired... but so what? There are people worse off than I and they survive without a therapist. But this worry is not healthy. I know it.
By the time I get home I am spent. I spend 12 hours on the road, I just want to be with my husband. This is beginning to sound pathetic on my part, but I just so very desperately want to know we will be fine, better than fine hopefully. I just want him to say he's still in this to win this.
I do not say much, but I notice he is smiling. I am so tired I don't smile back, but honestly I love that smile and it does make the night better seeing it. But after taking a couple swigs of that THC lemonade to help me sleep again, I go to bed with my Galaxy view, the largest tablet, more like a portable TV, and opt to watch Netflix. I announce I am going to watch the show but I only watch one episode... even now, I felt guilty not watching it with him, and even more important, this show is an excuse lately to be near him without other people around.
Bed time comes around and he announces he is going to bed. I say goodnight from the bedroom and off he went. The THC hits and I start thinking about how stupid all of this is. I text him:
He doesn't respond to my last text. He doesn't say he loves me back. But my final thought before I fall asleep is, "I don't care, I love him anyway, and I will be here when he is over this phase, whatever it may be... I just have to be strong enough!"
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