Wednesday the 3rd.
Waking up to my partner has not been the same since he had his downward mood in November. No lingering, kisses were absent so far this year. How I miss him holding me, I reach for him but he is always turned away from me, tolerating but not appreciating nor reciprocating my affections.
This morning is no different. It's cold even if the temperature insists otherwise. But my morning prayers are full of home and I wish to align my thoughts and actions so my prayers are answered.
I got up and he told me he was meeting with his boss for lunch. I said that was fine since I was going to the therapy session about the same time. I didn't have the $180 for it, but my friend Kurt lent me a bit, and I drove to get the rest. It was the first session so I just got to know the therapist a bit and she asked questions to build the foundation... I let her know what was going on with me. I felt good about seeing her again and I don't know how I will manage a weekly program as it is expensive but I know I need this. I feel like I am going to fall apart completely if I do not take care of this.
I do lean on my friends, but there is a different level of trust and security when talking to a trained psychologist. I said as much to her and she was pleased. Also we talked about how I used to want to be one, and she encouraged me to do so, but I want to fix myself first... plus school is expensive.
I came home and learned he was moving into my mom's house that she built on our property... sort of. He is simply sleeping in there. No more goodnight kisses, no more mornings waking up to him, he just leaves to work without having to deal with me. How great he feels about it and how terrible it is to be left like that. He is still here and yet he is not.
A part of me wanted to tell him to just stay out there then, that I don't want to see him in the house... but I know that is my fear based reaction and insecurity after rejection speaking. So I simply helped settle him in. He had taking his work clothed to a fluff and fold service. The one thing I have always done for him I am no longer needed for... Granted we do not have a working Washer right this moment until it is delivered, but still, ouch, my ego, my heart.
We had a conversation about his lunch time with his boss. His boss brought up he would make him partner but he is concerned that if we ever got divorced that I would take the company or something. My currently-currently-not-so-loving-husband shot back with, "That might not be an issue come next year." Super ouch. And then anger... Not about what my own husband said... and that struck me later that my anger was towards his boss.
I am not sure how else to logically convey this... If my significant other or anyone else never brings up or even thinks about partnership, then why does his boss bring it up at all? I feel like it is a carrot dangling attempt. What does considering me have anything to do with it. And the after though but still valid considering they are friends, why would he ever consider divorce. Isn't it just as likely for his wife to leave his drug using, Tijuana-stripper seeking self? Just saying.
But I do feel my hubby is being taken advantage of. And I do feel somehow working with this company, which I thought would have been an improvement financially for him, has actually been a worse off opportunity when it comes to morale and stress because he is 1099 when he should not be and we owe a lot on Taxes because or our economic situation the first year here.
And then yes... A discussion about trying. Give me a year, I said. And he resisted. Why am I fighting so hard to keep someone who doesn't love me? This is not how I have ever been before. And the house... I want the house if he will not stay with me, not because I want to leave him without, I don't want to take... But my mom built her house here, my uncle broke his foot in the process of building it for her all by himself. I told my husband when he excitedly agreed on this that we could never ever separate now and he had agreed! This is not just me and him anymore, this affects other parties. And I don't mind if it stays in his name but I would want to buy it from him and help him get another place instead.
But he does not believe in me. And the things he judges me on are surprising to me. He acts as though I quit my jobs... I was let go of my last job which had called be back for a second year of contract work. And since then I have been driving for Uber and Lyft. He earns vastly more than I but is always struggling it seems and it is really the taxes... He spends a lot though, and we keep finances separate but he feels I use him... he expressed other stress factors such as how the house is getting dilapidated and we can't keep up because of money. I feel we can't keep up because we are lazy but we can agree to disagree for now... I did not express this idea.
I want to say more on this but that is the summary of that argument.
I expressed that I felt hurt because this is coming at a time when my dad is very ill and I needed my husband's support but I was met with, "It's never a good time. There is always going to be something." He thinks he is being kind but this is very cruel, even if it is unintentional. It that even possible?
Then he tells me he is hanging out with his boss the next day. How convenient. Is his boss taking him to Mexico to celebrate our marital downfall at a strip club in Mexico? I asked him to please behave as I could not take anything like that right now.
The night was colder without him. All of my seven animals came to me to sleep with me and remind me I am not alone. I accepted this alternative. My husband cannot be replaced, but I am so happy and grateful for these seven beautiful beings who offer such godlike love and healing.
Laying in bed coming to terms with what happen I heard a noise and what sounded like a gush of water very loudly. I texted him, "What was that?" and as I began to get out of bed he came inside, the noise already ceased, and said, "The pipe broke. I was laying in bed and the water sprayed on the side of the house at the window to your brother's room." which is where he is sleeping. Oh the irony... dilapidated alright. But it's fixable. We are fixable too.
Waking up to my partner has not been the same since he had his downward mood in November. No lingering, kisses were absent so far this year. How I miss him holding me, I reach for him but he is always turned away from me, tolerating but not appreciating nor reciprocating my affections.
This morning is no different. It's cold even if the temperature insists otherwise. But my morning prayers are full of home and I wish to align my thoughts and actions so my prayers are answered.
I got up and he told me he was meeting with his boss for lunch. I said that was fine since I was going to the therapy session about the same time. I didn't have the $180 for it, but my friend Kurt lent me a bit, and I drove to get the rest. It was the first session so I just got to know the therapist a bit and she asked questions to build the foundation... I let her know what was going on with me. I felt good about seeing her again and I don't know how I will manage a weekly program as it is expensive but I know I need this. I feel like I am going to fall apart completely if I do not take care of this.
I do lean on my friends, but there is a different level of trust and security when talking to a trained psychologist. I said as much to her and she was pleased. Also we talked about how I used to want to be one, and she encouraged me to do so, but I want to fix myself first... plus school is expensive.
I came home and learned he was moving into my mom's house that she built on our property... sort of. He is simply sleeping in there. No more goodnight kisses, no more mornings waking up to him, he just leaves to work without having to deal with me. How great he feels about it and how terrible it is to be left like that. He is still here and yet he is not.
A part of me wanted to tell him to just stay out there then, that I don't want to see him in the house... but I know that is my fear based reaction and insecurity after rejection speaking. So I simply helped settle him in. He had taking his work clothed to a fluff and fold service. The one thing I have always done for him I am no longer needed for... Granted we do not have a working Washer right this moment until it is delivered, but still, ouch, my ego, my heart.
We had a conversation about his lunch time with his boss. His boss brought up he would make him partner but he is concerned that if we ever got divorced that I would take the company or something. My currently-currently-not-so-loving-husband shot back with, "That might not be an issue come next year." Super ouch. And then anger... Not about what my own husband said... and that struck me later that my anger was towards his boss.
I am not sure how else to logically convey this... If my significant other or anyone else never brings up or even thinks about partnership, then why does his boss bring it up at all? I feel like it is a carrot dangling attempt. What does considering me have anything to do with it. And the after though but still valid considering they are friends, why would he ever consider divorce. Isn't it just as likely for his wife to leave his drug using, Tijuana-stripper seeking self? Just saying.
But I do feel my hubby is being taken advantage of. And I do feel somehow working with this company, which I thought would have been an improvement financially for him, has actually been a worse off opportunity when it comes to morale and stress because he is 1099 when he should not be and we owe a lot on Taxes because or our economic situation the first year here.
And then yes... A discussion about trying. Give me a year, I said. And he resisted. Why am I fighting so hard to keep someone who doesn't love me? This is not how I have ever been before. And the house... I want the house if he will not stay with me, not because I want to leave him without, I don't want to take... But my mom built her house here, my uncle broke his foot in the process of building it for her all by himself. I told my husband when he excitedly agreed on this that we could never ever separate now and he had agreed! This is not just me and him anymore, this affects other parties. And I don't mind if it stays in his name but I would want to buy it from him and help him get another place instead.
But he does not believe in me. And the things he judges me on are surprising to me. He acts as though I quit my jobs... I was let go of my last job which had called be back for a second year of contract work. And since then I have been driving for Uber and Lyft. He earns vastly more than I but is always struggling it seems and it is really the taxes... He spends a lot though, and we keep finances separate but he feels I use him... he expressed other stress factors such as how the house is getting dilapidated and we can't keep up because of money. I feel we can't keep up because we are lazy but we can agree to disagree for now... I did not express this idea.
I want to say more on this but that is the summary of that argument.
Then he tells me he is hanging out with his boss the next day. How convenient. Is his boss taking him to Mexico to celebrate our marital downfall at a strip club in Mexico? I asked him to please behave as I could not take anything like that right now.
The night was colder without him. All of my seven animals came to me to sleep with me and remind me I am not alone. I accepted this alternative. My husband cannot be replaced, but I am so happy and grateful for these seven beautiful beings who offer such godlike love and healing.
Laying in bed coming to terms with what happen I heard a noise and what sounded like a gush of water very loudly. I texted him, "What was that?" and as I began to get out of bed he came inside, the noise already ceased, and said, "The pipe broke. I was laying in bed and the water sprayed on the side of the house at the window to your brother's room." which is where he is sleeping. Oh the irony... dilapidated alright. But it's fixable. We are fixable too.
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