January 5th
I realized I didn't have much money in my bank account after the therapy session and paying bills... but I wanted to take my mom out and even made a reservation at Fabrison's here in Jamul. She was coming over as well, so I went out to drive earlier. I came back when I felt I had earned enough.
When we met up at my house I expressed desire to clean up my porch area, and we did a pretty decent job. I moved the work out equipment of out of the way, and we out down a shaggy white rug which is too nice to be outside and is now gray, but I had no where to put it and the animals like it... we re-positioned the ottoman I found at the beach and use as an outdoor dog bed, and the wicker chairs we found by my cousin's house in Buena Park got positioned under the window... not bad at all!
I had some cushions that had no place inside and a little table... This is not the nicest, but you know what, I love it. I just gotta paint and restore everything.
We swept up the leaves and then got ready to go to our late lunch date.
At Fabrisons we ordered the chicken crepe and a vegetarian dish to share both but we were full of the chicken crepe alone. And we could not resist ordering some Creme Brulee. Delicious! And because it was all an anniversary of the opening of the restaurant special, it was all 50% off, so I ended up having more than enough money for it.
I realized I didn't have much money in my bank account after the therapy session and paying bills... but I wanted to take my mom out and even made a reservation at Fabrison's here in Jamul. She was coming over as well, so I went out to drive earlier. I came back when I felt I had earned enough.
When we met up at my house I expressed desire to clean up my porch area, and we did a pretty decent job. I moved the work out equipment of out of the way, and we out down a shaggy white rug which is too nice to be outside and is now gray, but I had no where to put it and the animals like it... we re-positioned the ottoman I found at the beach and use as an outdoor dog bed, and the wicker chairs we found by my cousin's house in Buena Park got positioned under the window... not bad at all!
I had some cushions that had no place inside and a little table... This is not the nicest, but you know what, I love it. I just gotta paint and restore everything.
We swept up the leaves and then got ready to go to our late lunch date.
At Fabrisons we ordered the chicken crepe and a vegetarian dish to share both but we were full of the chicken crepe alone. And we could not resist ordering some Creme Brulee. Delicious! And because it was all an anniversary of the opening of the restaurant special, it was all 50% off, so I ended up having more than enough money for it.
She left pretty much right away after we got back to my place and I realized I was going to stuff my face all over again in the evening.
My husband had been talking about some coupons the night before, which struck me as odd because he has been so concerned with money, even with a coupon you spend money. Buy one get one free at Round Table pizza, and he was likened to the idea we go get pizza. Considering the way things are I was not going to miss any opportunity.
When my husband got home I echoed my mom's comments earlier in defense of myself. I reminded him I contribute to this household, to the property, I have invested and I do hold my jobs. My contract ran out at my last job, I did not leave it. And I have been driving for Uber and Lyft since and not quit. He thought about it but I don't know what he thought of it. We headed down the mountain we trekked to get some pizza. Our conversation touched on us and what we are going through. Somehow he said I was not happy. I insisted I was, though currently not entirely because I am worried about us, but I have everything I want.
He shot back, "Not everything. You don't have kids." Ouch... and I reminded him he called one of my friends inconsiderate for bringing up the kids thing when she knew it was a sore spot for me. He tried to defend himself but the damage was done whether he meant it or not. I tried to change the subject to something more upbeat.
At Round Table he asked if I was paying or if he was. I was a bit flustered because I thought he was paying and then I realized he had been complaining about feeling used... this complaint cuts over an old scar from a previous relationship. I am reminded my husband would tell me he wasn't my exes and here he is doing the same thing.
I never asked for his generosity, he insisted it upon me and I was grateful. And if he needs help, then I will help, of course! So where is this coming from that I just want him for his money? What money? The money he keeps separate and so I have my own job and earn my own money to have my own fun? Yes he helps, but I have contributed many things to the household as well, and I do pay for some bills...
All those thoughts flooded in in a split second and so I insisted I would pay for my half. They this became an awkward moment. "You can just pay me later." he said.
"No that's fine, let's split it down the middle."
He suggested, "Well just give me your half and I'll put it all on my card."
"I have no money," I answered when I meant to say I had no cash. And I gave the cashier my card. I wondered why the fuss. He was not making anything easier, so why the fuss?
We sat to wait for our pizza with 20 minutes to kill and immediately his attention was on his cell phone, playing a video game... I hate that video game. I feel that it is rotting his brain. He cannot stay away from it. He is absent from life so many times because of it.
I pulled out my phone remembering there is a questionnaire where you ask 36 questions and it is supposed to make you feel in love. I had asked a couple questions before...
I began and his attention was given, at first... but soon he lost interest thinking it was a dating questionnaire and his attention split back to the game. I got two thirds of the way and gave up. He changed his answers, and his thinking was devoid of joy or hope. This is not a me problem, this is a him problem and I wish I could help. I wondered if he loves his family. I know he feels no attachment, but I know he was fond of his grandfather. Perhaps that is a topic I should bring up because I know I need to jump start his emotions again.
Our pizzas were ready and we were on our way back. We were silent for a moment and I broke it with, "You're right. I don't have everything. I don't have a loving husband." I glanced mostly with my peripheral vision and caught him smirking ironically while exhaling a "hmmph".
I told him I didn't know who he was anymore but that I missed my husband... he nervously chuckled, I sensed he was just uncomfortable with me even talking about anything to do with us at that moment. I kept thinking "body snatcher". I kept thinking this is not who I married, who is he? But why must my mind get paranoid. It is easier to think someone got swapped out by a clone than to accept the struggles of the truth.
As we approached home I was bothered by the whole thing. My thoughts raced. Was I hungry at all? Should I go out driving? Would he use my actions as proof that we are not going to work? I'll stay. Things will be fine. We got in the house and I let him choose what to watch. his choice was The Travelers, a Netflix original. I don't want to go into a review but know that I really like the show even though I see loopholes in the concept of time travel in the show. The interesting thing is the synchronicity, the reminder that our thoughts affect our reality... My husband, whom I had just shortly earlier thought to have been swapped out by another person, chose a show were people literally get taken over by another person's consciousness. Wow...
We watched several shows late into the evening and then Suddenly the reminder. He got up, "It's late, gotta go to bed." No kiss goodnight, and why would it be any different that this year so far? I watched him get to the trailer house so that I could turn off the porch light. I heard him talking to himself, I guess he was inspecting the pipes by the well which had broken. Finally he made it into the house and I turned off the lights.
I decided I might as well too. And I was joined with my wonderful animals who really are keeping my spirit safe and alive at this time.
I am proud of myself. I am strong.
When my husband got home I echoed my mom's comments earlier in defense of myself. I reminded him I contribute to this household, to the property, I have invested and I do hold my jobs. My contract ran out at my last job, I did not leave it. And I have been driving for Uber and Lyft since and not quit. He thought about it but I don't know what he thought of it. We headed down the mountain we trekked to get some pizza. Our conversation touched on us and what we are going through. Somehow he said I was not happy. I insisted I was, though currently not entirely because I am worried about us, but I have everything I want.
He shot back, "Not everything. You don't have kids." Ouch... and I reminded him he called one of my friends inconsiderate for bringing up the kids thing when she knew it was a sore spot for me. He tried to defend himself but the damage was done whether he meant it or not. I tried to change the subject to something more upbeat.
At Round Table he asked if I was paying or if he was. I was a bit flustered because I thought he was paying and then I realized he had been complaining about feeling used... this complaint cuts over an old scar from a previous relationship. I am reminded my husband would tell me he wasn't my exes and here he is doing the same thing.
I never asked for his generosity, he insisted it upon me and I was grateful. And if he needs help, then I will help, of course! So where is this coming from that I just want him for his money? What money? The money he keeps separate and so I have my own job and earn my own money to have my own fun? Yes he helps, but I have contributed many things to the household as well, and I do pay for some bills...
All those thoughts flooded in in a split second and so I insisted I would pay for my half. They this became an awkward moment. "You can just pay me later." he said.
"No that's fine, let's split it down the middle."
He suggested, "Well just give me your half and I'll put it all on my card."
"I have no money," I answered when I meant to say I had no cash. And I gave the cashier my card. I wondered why the fuss. He was not making anything easier, so why the fuss?
We sat to wait for our pizza with 20 minutes to kill and immediately his attention was on his cell phone, playing a video game... I hate that video game. I feel that it is rotting his brain. He cannot stay away from it. He is absent from life so many times because of it.
I pulled out my phone remembering there is a questionnaire where you ask 36 questions and it is supposed to make you feel in love. I had asked a couple questions before...
I began and his attention was given, at first... but soon he lost interest thinking it was a dating questionnaire and his attention split back to the game. I got two thirds of the way and gave up. He changed his answers, and his thinking was devoid of joy or hope. This is not a me problem, this is a him problem and I wish I could help. I wondered if he loves his family. I know he feels no attachment, but I know he was fond of his grandfather. Perhaps that is a topic I should bring up because I know I need to jump start his emotions again.
Our pizzas were ready and we were on our way back. We were silent for a moment and I broke it with, "You're right. I don't have everything. I don't have a loving husband." I glanced mostly with my peripheral vision and caught him smirking ironically while exhaling a "hmmph".
I told him I didn't know who he was anymore but that I missed my husband... he nervously chuckled, I sensed he was just uncomfortable with me even talking about anything to do with us at that moment. I kept thinking "body snatcher". I kept thinking this is not who I married, who is he? But why must my mind get paranoid. It is easier to think someone got swapped out by a clone than to accept the struggles of the truth.
As we approached home I was bothered by the whole thing. My thoughts raced. Was I hungry at all? Should I go out driving? Would he use my actions as proof that we are not going to work? I'll stay. Things will be fine. We got in the house and I let him choose what to watch. his choice was The Travelers, a Netflix original. I don't want to go into a review but know that I really like the show even though I see loopholes in the concept of time travel in the show. The interesting thing is the synchronicity, the reminder that our thoughts affect our reality... My husband, whom I had just shortly earlier thought to have been swapped out by another person, chose a show were people literally get taken over by another person's consciousness. Wow...
We watched several shows late into the evening and then Suddenly the reminder. He got up, "It's late, gotta go to bed." No kiss goodnight, and why would it be any different that this year so far? I watched him get to the trailer house so that I could turn off the porch light. I heard him talking to himself, I guess he was inspecting the pipes by the well which had broken. Finally he made it into the house and I turned off the lights.
I decided I might as well too. And I was joined with my wonderful animals who really are keeping my spirit safe and alive at this time.
I am proud of myself. I am strong.
Comments
Post a Comment