It's really difficult to shine your inner light and love when you are overwhelmed with gloomy circumstances. I am for the most part doing okay. But my soon to be officially ex-husband is so cheery and happy to be rid of me until I try to talk to him and figure things out. He thinks staying out of my way is better, but if I don't see him but know he is here, it hurts, and if I see him, as happy as I am to see him, I remember the reality of things and it hurts... I want him here and I want him out.
He'll survive this and thrive, and I will survive this and struggle... but it is a struggle that will lead to growth. I know that.
All I want is my home... I don't want to lose my home. It's all financial for him but it is more than that to me. This is where my mom will ultimately come live, with my brother too. This is where I want to raise kids which I hope to adopt since life threw me this situation. This is where my animals are happy and can roam free and safe (well considering the difference between rural and city hazards, this is safer).
When we moved here he said he bought this house for me, he even did so in front of others, that we did not have a super expensive wedding and he didn't buy me a ring because he bought this house for me... but now, I am just a sore presence in his life.
I take to the internet and share too much. So what? And especially now. Why should I care that I do. I have no one I can really talk to properly, because sometimes I just need to vent, this is me venting. Sometimes I do not need nor want a distraction. I gotta feel this, go through it, and learn from it.
Maybe this is it... this is the time I am gonna write and finish my epic novel that my mom keeps asking about.
I am not who I used to be. I don't know this new me so well.. there are elements and aspects of the old me, as though parts of me were salvaged and re purposed, so I look like me, but it's all different. I know in my family, many of my relatives can empathize. I guess that helps, because to be honest, there is that... I know I am not alone. It's hard, and scary and everything is uncertain, but I know I am not alone, and I know that I am not being judged. No one saw this coming.
I am not perfect, but I still thought he loved me... He may have... I just don't feel like he did. If I ever doubted anything before, I didn't know what doubt was until now.
He earns enough money. He will be fine.... And I will get there. But I want my home, and the car which is my livelihood.
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