My dad is gone and I am sad, but I get angry too

I did not cry as much today though I still have sporadic bouts of sadness and heart break... But I admit, I get angry too. I have been cycling through the stages of grief. But the anger one I keep inside because it will hurt others, because it places blame on me, and on others...

I get angry about circumstances and situations, and paradigms and perceptions, and ideas, and it's pointless to be angry. He's gone. My dad is gone, I can't call him anymore, he'll never respond to my text or email again. We will never sing together again. I will never be annoyed at him or laugh at his jokes again. I will never receive a gift from him again or worry if my gift to him was good enough because I just want him to be proud of me. I will never get to act out, or step up in his presence again.

I had 36 wonderful years with fractions of them allocated to spending time with him and I feel it was enough, but I would have wanted more. There was so much we still wanted to do together with my siblings. He never took me to Chicago... We never got to go on one last Disneyland trip... But I had 36 years... And I am sad we all didn't get more years with him.

But I had not been able to really get the anger out, though I got to vent tonight a little. There is a lot.

But okay lets go back to the good. I am glad I got to see him more often this year. It was hard to get to, but I am glad I did when allowed.

He didn't want us to see him how he was when he went... but why weren't we, his kids told how severe it was? I was told to stay home and that it was all okay.... but it was not all okay! And I listened, to be respectful, I stayed home and waited, and when I got there he was still breathing but he was gone.

But fine... I didn't feel cheated of the chance to say goodbye. Oddly I felt really good about where we were in our communication... nothing needed to be said. I knew and he knew... but still, why did I hesitate? Why did I listen. I knew it was not him who sent the text.

This is part of the grief, to be mad. But I can't be mad. Because I do understand what it is like to be so overwhelmed that you don't realize the severity of the situation... and luckily my siblings were there and were my alarm system. So I did get there for all of us to be together and be there for each other. I saw his body rest finally after the machines pumped oxygen into his lungs for so long. Finally his eyes closed, his body was at peace. He was beautiful and restful... he was broken but he was free.

And I swear to him, he will always be whole. We learned something that morning, the six of us, his children. We were united. We did not fight, we did not disagree. All we care about is to be together. Our father is gone, and all we have is each other.

We keep getting warned about fights to come, and struggles. And while I told my siblings than I will not stay silent if it pertains to us. I will defend us six... But the six of us stand united. We are his legacy and we will carry on the love together. We will remember him and be with him every time we are together.

Every spring equinox we well remember his transition and celebrate life in his honor. Every one of our birthdays we will love up on each other and goof off and laugh and sing and dance in his honor.

What this six of us have is true wealth. We love each other. he always wanted us to stick together. Dad, you succeeded! We are together.

I imagine him kind of poking fun and throwing his arms up in victory and shouting, "Success!" as he admitted to me he had been doing lately mimicking my goofy antics. I guess we all rubbed off on him as much as he rubbed off on us...

How many things did we kids influence in him? Because he would mimic all of us, and poke fun. How many songs or shows or activities did he enjoy because of us kids? He would sometimes talk to me enthusiastically about an artist I did not know but it was one of my siblings favorites, and he would adopt our passions so subtly I never caught it. I see it. I see all the love he had for us.

I didn't know I would miss him this much. I thought it would feel normal and that I would only sometimes remember he is gone. But I miss him. I want to call him and ask how he is feeling. I want to call and ask if I can come over. He was there... he was there. he was always there. Now he's where I can not yet go and will not go until it is time.

I feel him telling me to take care of myself, and my health. I only have a handful of reasons for wanting to wake up every morning now. My mom and my siblings. They are my world.

I have no husband anymore, and I probably will never have kids. But I have them and I cherish them.

That is my rant for this evening.

I think I can finally fall asleep.... Maybe.

My beautiful dad... I have not dreamed of you yet... perhaps because I feel your presence so I do not need to dream of you to process. But I miss you... please visit me. I want to tell everyone what you are up to wherever you are....