Honestly, once I posted my last post on Christmas eve I had already felt better, even though I have since deleted the rant. I got it out of me and could then focus on the good.
I called over to my husband in the other room and asked, "Do you want to watch anime on the tablet in bed and eat the goodies your sister shipped over?" and he agreed. So I hurried over and got cozy in bed next to him. We binge watched Attack on Titan and ate pears, chocolates, and nuts.
I didn't want to dredge up the negative thoughts I've been fighting, and I didn't want to think beyond the moment. In those moments all that mattered is I was watching Anime with the man I love. I am fortunate to be able to rest my head on his shoulder, and we were both enjoying the company of one another, sharing food and watching a show we both enjoy.
I decided to go drive for lyft and got home at about 3 a.m. I went to bed feeling warm inside and I didn't want to change that. I snuggled with him for part of the night till the heater made it too hot, but in any case, I did not feel an ounce of awkward, and if there was any, I ignored it.
Christmas morning I slept most in, but by noon time we were en route to my mom's house. While driving for Lyft the previous night my dad had texted. All of my siblings were upset about it because we had all been reaching out for two weeks and no response. He has been ill so we thought he wanted to rest since many times we get turned down our offers to visit because he needs rest. But he invited us to stop by whenever. I messaged a lengthy text telling him I had reached out, that I need to have confirmation that it is okay, but that I will swing by Wednesday after all.
So my mom got us this year for Christmas day, and I missed out with my dad. But when we got to my mom's, my brother had presents for us. "You got to play Santa this year!" I excitedly pointed out. My brother bought himself presents too which was funny but so cute. And we all delighted in opening presents. I didn't get so emotional about it, but while I was happy opening the phone case that I already knew he was going to give me, since it was his old one, he got me other presents too. My mom and I both got necklaces where you open an oyster and get a pearl. That was cool! And I got a Invicta watch and Robert got the matching men's version. Wow! I didn't expect such gifts, and truth be told, I'll probably wear that watch every day now.
My mom also got me gloves. And you see, I love simply presents like that. But I think what stuck me strongest was that he wrapped up the phone case, that he wrapped his own presents he bought himself, much like I did years ago, just to have the feeling of Christmas, and it worked! Being with my mom, my brother, and my husband felt totally like Christmas. My mom had even made Turkey so we all ate, my uncle stopped by and he ate, and his friend ate. And we had a Coconut Cream Pie for my birthday too.
I felt like my brother inadvertently saved Christmas this year for me, and all the feelings of being bummed were gone. But I cannot stress, that it was not about the presents, it was about his attitude and actions, like I said, wrapping up the phone case was pretty much the thing that did it!
When we got back home and ran over to our neighbor's house because I had wrapped up a present for them from us. They've been great to us for years and we enjoy gift exchanged with them. I had wrapped up the gift but did not have a bow so I make shift made one with the wrapping paper itself. They were very happy with the present and they gave us a lovely card with a gift card to Hooley's inside. Hopefully we can take them to eat sometime.
And after that we went next door through the gate between properties (so cool we did that) and hung out with our friends there too. Jen had made red velvet cupcakes as a birthday treat. We played darts and I drank eggnog, and their kids ran around and were playing. I had a moment with their girls where they really wanted me to keep filming them saying "Merry Christmas" and taking pictures of them with their jewelry box.
I mentioned last post, I do not have children, I must add, I want children. I have my animals, but it is not the same though they are indeed my guardianship and I gain love from them too. But filming the girls, looking back at the video I realized they were going to be grown ups tomorrow in the blink of an eye and how precious that short video clip of them saying "Merry Christmas" hugging each other and smiling at the camera, remembering their excitement to watch it over and over, it is truly special. Previous to that I had a similar feeling when then snuggled with me on their sofa to watch The Force Awakens, and next to me was Robert where the boy had also came over and put a pillow up against Robert. For a brief moment I felt like it was a foreshadowing of a family for us. Was that a glimpse of what it would be like to have kids of our own?
So I am counting my blessings, because they are all around us, and I know this even at my saddest moments.
Things I am so very grateful for:
Health, Family and friends, my husband, my animals, my home, my mind, and the memories we continue to build.
As we played darts and hung out next door, I got playful with Robert. I would head butt lightly into him. Nudge him. I would rub my butt against him and proclaim myself a panda that was marking my territory, an old favorite move of mine. And he responded positively, and having fun. And so I requested a birthday shoulder massage, and he obliged. At the end of the night we were both tired and sleepy but before he drifted off to sleep, I insisted we make out. And I was unsure if he would do it. His response was, "Did you brush your teeth... sometimes you don't." and I wondered if it would indeed make a difference, maybe I should always brush my teeth then! I said yes, I had, and he propped himself up and kissed me. And oh how I missed those lips. It had been a while.
He final comment was that my lips were very dry. But it didn't take away from anything. I was grateful we still could have intimate moments and grateful that after all this awkwardness between us, he was able to kiss me. I did not press further. We both went to sleep, and where I began to snuggle with him, Penelope took over since she was whining and wanted up on the bed. I got her over to my side and snuggled with her while my back was against Robert's. Honestly, it was super cozy.
With that my final thought knowing all the animals were inside, and everyone was together, knowing I would go see my dad before new years after all, and that my older brother is closer to us now that I remember, well... that is a merry little Christmas after all!
I called over to my husband in the other room and asked, "Do you want to watch anime on the tablet in bed and eat the goodies your sister shipped over?" and he agreed. So I hurried over and got cozy in bed next to him. We binge watched Attack on Titan and ate pears, chocolates, and nuts.
I didn't want to dredge up the negative thoughts I've been fighting, and I didn't want to think beyond the moment. In those moments all that mattered is I was watching Anime with the man I love. I am fortunate to be able to rest my head on his shoulder, and we were both enjoying the company of one another, sharing food and watching a show we both enjoy.
I decided to go drive for lyft and got home at about 3 a.m. I went to bed feeling warm inside and I didn't want to change that. I snuggled with him for part of the night till the heater made it too hot, but in any case, I did not feel an ounce of awkward, and if there was any, I ignored it.
Christmas morning I slept most in, but by noon time we were en route to my mom's house. While driving for Lyft the previous night my dad had texted. All of my siblings were upset about it because we had all been reaching out for two weeks and no response. He has been ill so we thought he wanted to rest since many times we get turned down our offers to visit because he needs rest. But he invited us to stop by whenever. I messaged a lengthy text telling him I had reached out, that I need to have confirmation that it is okay, but that I will swing by Wednesday after all.
So my mom got us this year for Christmas day, and I missed out with my dad. But when we got to my mom's, my brother had presents for us. "You got to play Santa this year!" I excitedly pointed out. My brother bought himself presents too which was funny but so cute. And we all delighted in opening presents. I didn't get so emotional about it, but while I was happy opening the phone case that I already knew he was going to give me, since it was his old one, he got me other presents too. My mom and I both got necklaces where you open an oyster and get a pearl. That was cool! And I got a Invicta watch and Robert got the matching men's version. Wow! I didn't expect such gifts, and truth be told, I'll probably wear that watch every day now.
My mom also got me gloves. And you see, I love simply presents like that. But I think what stuck me strongest was that he wrapped up the phone case, that he wrapped his own presents he bought himself, much like I did years ago, just to have the feeling of Christmas, and it worked! Being with my mom, my brother, and my husband felt totally like Christmas. My mom had even made Turkey so we all ate, my uncle stopped by and he ate, and his friend ate. And we had a Coconut Cream Pie for my birthday too.
I felt like my brother inadvertently saved Christmas this year for me, and all the feelings of being bummed were gone. But I cannot stress, that it was not about the presents, it was about his attitude and actions, like I said, wrapping up the phone case was pretty much the thing that did it!
 |
| I wrapped it all by myself! |
And after that we went next door through the gate between properties (so cool we did that) and hung out with our friends there too. Jen had made red velvet cupcakes as a birthday treat. We played darts and I drank eggnog, and their kids ran around and were playing. I had a moment with their girls where they really wanted me to keep filming them saying "Merry Christmas" and taking pictures of them with their jewelry box.
I mentioned last post, I do not have children, I must add, I want children. I have my animals, but it is not the same though they are indeed my guardianship and I gain love from them too. But filming the girls, looking back at the video I realized they were going to be grown ups tomorrow in the blink of an eye and how precious that short video clip of them saying "Merry Christmas" hugging each other and smiling at the camera, remembering their excitement to watch it over and over, it is truly special. Previous to that I had a similar feeling when then snuggled with me on their sofa to watch The Force Awakens, and next to me was Robert where the boy had also came over and put a pillow up against Robert. For a brief moment I felt like it was a foreshadowing of a family for us. Was that a glimpse of what it would be like to have kids of our own?
So I am counting my blessings, because they are all around us, and I know this even at my saddest moments.
Things I am so very grateful for:
Health, Family and friends, my husband, my animals, my home, my mind, and the memories we continue to build.
As we played darts and hung out next door, I got playful with Robert. I would head butt lightly into him. Nudge him. I would rub my butt against him and proclaim myself a panda that was marking my territory, an old favorite move of mine. And he responded positively, and having fun. And so I requested a birthday shoulder massage, and he obliged. At the end of the night we were both tired and sleepy but before he drifted off to sleep, I insisted we make out. And I was unsure if he would do it. His response was, "Did you brush your teeth... sometimes you don't." and I wondered if it would indeed make a difference, maybe I should always brush my teeth then! I said yes, I had, and he propped himself up and kissed me. And oh how I missed those lips. It had been a while.
He final comment was that my lips were very dry. But it didn't take away from anything. I was grateful we still could have intimate moments and grateful that after all this awkwardness between us, he was able to kiss me. I did not press further. We both went to sleep, and where I began to snuggle with him, Penelope took over since she was whining and wanted up on the bed. I got her over to my side and snuggled with her while my back was against Robert's. Honestly, it was super cozy.
With that my final thought knowing all the animals were inside, and everyone was together, knowing I would go see my dad before new years after all, and that my older brother is closer to us now that I remember, well... that is a merry little Christmas after all!
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