The Life of Syren Franco

My mom asked me today if I've been depressed since she's moved in.  She added the question if I feel that she's taking up my home.  I told her that I haven't had time to be depressed.  The other day I had some thoughts creep in and I was going to take a moment to process them and reject them.  I didn't even get a chance for that because when I realized that I was having negative thoughts I was interrupted by the sound of her singing opera from the kitchen.  It didn't oi me for a split second, but it was followed by laughter right away.  So tell me, how is that a bad thing?  She's taking up the space that I would feel with negativity and she's replacing it with laughter.  And that's what it's all about.  No one else could do that for me right now.  But my mom can.

I don't believe in control. I can influence, and place my intention into my day, but control is just a false idea of your maneuvering. If there truly is control it is of yourself only and if you feel outside forces have control of you it is because you are letting them... But also... lets talk about love, because we find ourselves disappointed or frustrated but that only comes from expectation. I see nothing wrong with expectation as long as it is not unreasonable. For example I expect my partner to be kind, and considerate, basically to be a decent human being... My partner would expect the same of me... But sometimes they just plain ole don't want you that much, just a little, just when it suits them... well, then your expectations should shift to yourself. I expect myself to treat myself better and one way is to remove myself from crappy situations... The disappointment if I were to stay is not in them, it is in me for being in that mindset ...

Do you see this stack of money?  it is not even that much.  $2,500.  I easily make this each month Yet I still get push back from friends and family who perhaps do not understand the beauty and awesomeness of the gig economy.  "Get a real job", they say.  "I just worry about you", they explain. Listen...  Worrying about me is not going to pay my bills, nor are my friends and family.  Besides that worry does stem from ignorance about the rideshare platforms and fueled concern from the media's fear mongering tactics for ratings. You will hear about scary encounters with Lyft from Drivers and Passengers alike, but consider that there are millions of people and the amount of cases compared to the actual number of users is small.  In any situation in life there is risk because there will always be shitty human beings. For me, yes, I had a few awkward experiences but nothing majorly bad.  Every experience was one I was able to de-escalate or com...

Book of Enoch, "God" was mad at the angels who came down and taught us cutting of the roots (sorcery), or as I understand it, mind altering drugs.... Why? Why was this bad? But there is more to it than that, for the God of the old Testament seems a bit harsh to be pure love.... And yet He or he is important... I am beginning to understand how we are gods as Jesus told us. We forgot where we came from and are bound here on Earth... Which is why there is no everlasting life without death... We will be resurrected, but perhaps not here on Earth... but then again, there is a lot to think about there too... Is reincarnation a soul trap? Does our spirit have a chance at ever lasting life if we accept this illusionary realm as reality? Perhaps these roots and herbs are the sacramental keys to free our spirits through opening our consciousness, thus seeing our ego, soul, and spirit for their truths.

I did not cry as much today though I still have sporadic bouts of sadness and heart break... But I admit, I get angry too. I have been cycling through the stages of grief. But the anger one I keep inside because it will hurt others, because it places blame on me, and on others... I get angry about circumstances and situations, and paradigms and perceptions, and ideas, and it's pointless to be angry. He's gone. My dad is gone, I can't call him anymore, he'll never respond to my text or email again. We will never sing together again. I will never be annoyed at him or laugh at his jokes again. I will never receive a gift from him again or worry if my gift to him was good enough because I just want him to be proud of me. I will never get to act out, or step up in his presence again. I had 36 wonderful years with fractions of them allocated to spending time with him and I feel it was enough, but I would have wanted more. There was so much we stil...

It's really difficult to shine your inner light and love when you are overwhelmed with gloomy circumstances. I am for the most part doing okay. But my soon to be officially ex-husband is so cheery and happy to be rid of me until I try to talk to him and figure things out. He thinks staying out of my way is better, but if I don't see him but know he is here, it hurts, and if I see him, as happy as I am to see him, I remember the reality of things and it hurts... I want him here and I want him out. He'll survive this and thrive, and I will survive this and struggle... but it is a struggle that will lead to growth. I know that. All I want is my home... I don't want to lose my home. It's all financial for him but it is more than that to me. This is where my mom will ultimately come live, with my brother too. This is where I want to raise kids which I hope to adopt since life threw me this situation. This is where my animals are happy and can ...

On Tuesday, January 23, after a typical day and band practice with a raspy voice.  We have a show coming up February 2nd so we are trying to get all our rehearsals.  I did not see my husband all day and I do not remember if I did after we both got home.  I think that I did because I remember him showering... but I am not sure. Wednesday I hung out with my mom.  She wanted to run errands and go to the casino.  We won a little bit of money and she bought me groceries.  She did not have to but she wanted me to make chicken soup to get better.  Her car was still down and my uncle was fixing it.  I came home with a car load of groceries that my mom bought and I had bought but it was late already of course.  My husband was already asleep in the Trailer House.  I put things away and I texted him that enough is enough. "Get over whatever you need to get over."  I said. "Next week you are back in the house."  But when I woke up the 25th...