Today I slept in. I guess for some reason or another I needed it, since last Tuesday night I messed up the sleep cycle. When I woke up, however, I felt like tackling a big task. The stinging nettle weeds came to mind. So I put on my pink work gloves, because pink is the color of power (I read it somewhere) and they have a thick rubber coating so the thorns won't stab through. I get out there and before the weeding, I raked up the rest of the leaves on the cement platforms, then used the leaf blower around the trees by the hammock. I threw them all away in a box which will be transferred over to the green waste bins when they get delivered. Then on to the stinging nettle. Some were easier than others to pull, I had to use a shovel for a few of them.
Break time. Before heading inside to check Facebook I stood out there on my porch, looking at the property, at the dirt road that leads to it, at the trees, my peach tree (I called claim on it), and at the pets running loose held by their invisible fence within boundaries.
Yesterday a neighbor came over and helped with the yard. He took down the last stretch of fence, mowed a huge portion of our lawn, I mowed some more today, and he used his leaf blower to clean up the party areas. it was a lot of work and for some reason he was happy to do it for free... He asked for a few bucks for gas in the beginning, I gave him $20, I suspect it prompted him to want to do more?
Anyway, I stood at my porch, leaning on the rail, with my frizzy faded red hair, my black tank top, my jeans and beat up sneakers wearing those pink gloves and wearing a gold chain only cause I have not taken it off for a week... I looked, I really saw what this life is, and I had this sense of serenity come over me. Robert says this is a step towards our dreams, but to me it is already a dream come true and all thanks to him... Perhaps I do not give myself credit here, it was my suggestion to look for a house and for work in San Diego which caused him to find this place and his better paying job, but honestly, that's all. Well fine, I contributed by being his wife thus having added support in the home buying process when we needed to borrow a little money to get the house, so I guess without me he would not have been able to move here, but I think beyond that, to the beginning.
I met Robert online, and I am not ashamed. Why would I be? Everyone I met in person was just not a fit. We emailed, and we happened to live a mile apart at the time. He told me about himself and said, "...but unlike you, I own my house." Or something to that effect. I don't know why it was necessary to say so, perhaps he figured it would score him more points... 'Hey I am not rich but I am stable and I own my own house.' Ok, he's right, I'll take a home owner over and over paid renter any day. And he owned his house thanks to his parents who helped him with the purchase only a year before he met me. I want to write my life story here but I won't - I will say, however that both of our lives were arranging for the arrival of the other... Robert whether he meant to or not, really changed my life course. I was a survivor, but stability was not in my vocabulary when it came down to my own life. I was zig zagging through my life, albeit happily. Robert changed this for me by simply going out for breakfast one Sunday early morning (12 am).Because he owned his house, because he had been in his job so long, he was able to take this next step with me. And here we are.
So for me, I could grown old here, die here... right now that is how I feel. No mansion needed, I don't even want to be rich. This IS my pot of gold. The thing is, I understand this is not final and we will keep improving over the decades. But what then of my desire to sing?
Most people pursue stardom, riches and fame, for what? So they can have nice things, own a big house, a bad ass car, be able to travel, and be able to buy what they want. But desire has been stripped of me! I have all that now! It's no mansion but it is what I wanted. A cabin in the woods... how perfect!? A big lot of land, even a koi pond... And it's not done yet, we can customize it... I love that! Robert and I have the cars we want... Okay maybe I want to trade my eclipse for a pickup truck, but still, I don't need a fancy car nor do I desire one.
So I stood there on the porch for a minute, thinking all of this and I realized yet again, my affirmation.... I sing because I must. I sing because I love it. I wish more people could experience the music my bands create but I have faith that will happen very soon. I can see it in my mind's eye, thousands of people singing along, the music surging through their bodies, my lyrics bringing them hope... I see it... I feel it... Right now it's just the part where we work hard and sacrifice.
And if it doesn't pan out that way? I just won't stop... You see, I can't stop, I am The Syren, and I have a secret mission I was sent here with before I was born... I must keep singing. And I want to do it, not for myself, but for others. I am set... there is honestly nothing more life could give me that would make me complete as I already am. I am so grateful for all of this. To be a home owner through Robert before I was 34... Honestly it was once a goal of mine and I had let it go. To have my dogs and cats and give them enough land so I didn't have to keep them cooped up in the house all day. To be able to blast the radio and have no one complain!
To be able... just to be able.
To have a partner. Oh what a blessing Robert is, and I do believe he knows how I feel. It's not the life we have... it's him. Strip all this away, and I'd be happy. I know this because when we were in limbo before buying the house and thought we would not get it, I was simply happy to be with him. We were stressed, sure, worried about the dogs because we are not the type to abandon our pets over a move, so that was probably the hardest possibility to face, that we would not be able to house then right away... But we were together... he did not resent me, he still loved me when things in life weren't smooth, and I loved him more for it.
No matter what, he loves me.... But most importantly, for me, no matter what, I love him... I think I have never had that happen to me before. I mean romantically.
So here I am, and I am happy.
And I wanted to share, but not brag... Oh please do not take this as me rubbing anything in or flaunting. Life has sucked at times for me, severely, Robert has had his struggles... But I believe if we stay true to ourselves and we discern situations and people around us, we can find these moments. And I don't know what tomorrow brings... We could fail, we could lose one another, but it doesn't matter today. Today I choose him and he chooses me, and we are here together and look forward to tomorrow... I just hope we have many, many decades like this is all.=)
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