Sometimes, A Parent is Disappointed in a Child, Without Understanding The Child's Disappointment In The Parent

Sometimes, a parent is disappointed in their kid.  It's not that they don't love them, because the feeling of love is indeed there... but disappointment, perhaps fear:  "Did I as a parent miss something?  Could I have, should I have done anything different?  Is it me who's to blame?"The parent takes those thoughts out on the child manifesting them as disappointment... but they deny it because how horrible is it to be disappointed in their child?The truth is, more likely than not, that kid is dissapointed in their parent. 

The parent turns to other outlets to deal with this, and they never think to develop a true relationship with the child.  They do not understand that we all speak a different love language.
We all speak one of 5 love languages, and sometimes a blend of a variation of those.  Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Gifts.  All these are valid and cannot be taught necessarily, though we are conditioned through our upbringing and favor one or a few.  Somehow we just have a preference, so as a child ours are not necessarily the same as our parents at all!

Mine is physical touch.  My mom was always sure to hug me when I felt down.  It helped so much!  But it's not my only one.  I am also a quality time type of person, and most of the memories I do have, have to do with little minor situations which meant a lot because I got to know the other person.  But my love language is almost a blend of those two, and add on top of that the others which I appreciate and show too.  I love giving and receiving gifts.  I love doing things to help people and of course love people doing things to help me.  I love complimenting others and love being complimented.  However, those three aren't my strong suits.

But the point of this is indeed a very personal subject.  And no, Mom (I know you are reading) this is not about you; you were always so very wonderful to me and honestly, kept me alive emotionally and spiritually through your kindness and compassion.

Honestly, I am not disappointed in any of my parents...

Still this subject hits close, so very close.

How do you tell someone, "You are not doing what's best for your son or daughter, and now they are an adult and you cannot look at them like a child.  Now is the time to truly get to know who they've become rather than be relieved that perhaps they have a problem, thus wiping your hands of responsibility.  Yes they have a problem, YOU!  Your absence.  Your inability to understand them!  You constant try of being their friend when they need you to be their parent, always their parent.  Be on their side!  Heck, take a psychology course and learn how to understand where they are coming from.  Or go to family therapy, don't just send them off on their own, because I assure you, this is very much your fault for being so casual and not understanding you need to be the parent they need, not the parent you want to be!"

The truth is, you just can't.  You can't tell them.

A friend of mine from High School whom I was very close to at one time once told his grandmother, "You are a bad parent."  He told her after graduating.  Before going to college no thanks to her.  He was a foster child and she never looked out for his best interest so he was taken in by one of his good friend's parents.  In that household he focused on school and sports and went to college.  But with his own family, the only parent he had being his grandmother, he did not have encouragement to pursue scholastic activities, because there was so many issues the grandmother never dealt with on her own.  She was bitter, and angry, and untrusting, and very selfish.

So, he told her, and she could not believe her ears.  She cried to me about it, but it was not my place to say anything.  She was not my parent.  He's right though, she was a bad parent then.

Here's the problem.  As parents, most parents feel an emotion we associate with love.  They forget what love is.  I say this because relationships aren't based on blood relation but rather communication, understanding, tolerance, guidance, support, etc...  If you date someone, and they neglect you, you don't care what emotion they feel, if it is bad, you break up!  But with parent child, brother and sister, cousins, aunts and uncles, etc, we seem to remain bound by obligation to them because we share DNA.

"It's all about family"

I don't think people understand what family is anymore.  But it doesn't matter because this dynamic seems to work sometimes.  I love my family and always will no matter what, and if they need me I try to help.  Perhaps out of obligation.  Perhaps out of shared experiences and pasts.  No matter how bad things may or may not have been in moments, it doesn't matter, I am there for them forever.

BUT!  For others... it's so unhealthy.  And the sad thing is, all that has to be done is open up the flow of communication so to reach understandings.

So, right now, someone close to me is going through a hard time, and I wish I could say something to the parents, who are also close to me, but as close as I am, it's still not my place, because even if this person was my twin sister, it's still not my relationship with the parents.  So I just sit back and shake my head, and hope to be there if any of them need me, but of course, they will never open up to me.  Obviously communication about their issues is the problem to begin with.

Here is where prayer does help though.  And I have faith everything will be okay.

That was my non specific rant about current events in parallel lives to mine.

 All I wanted was a Pepsi...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoF_a0-7xVQhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoF_a0-7xVQ