I was sitting here working on transcriptions when a random thought dawned on me...
A long time ago, I mean over a decade, I was accused of being spoiled and high maintenance. Granted, I was spoiled, but I took offense to high maintenance. I have never gotten my hair colored at a salon, for formal events my mom did my hair, and while my mom did buy me most things I wanted given she could afford them (I didn't want much though) all my new clothes in my later teen years were bought for me by me. So high maintenance?
And then as the years passed I had been accused of loving a life of luxury. Excuse you? I want used cars, I want hand me downs, I like thrift shopping, and not the high end boutiques, I mean goodwill and the likes which even those I think are now too pricey. I like to refurbish items, paint them to make them more personalized. I love bargain shopping when I do shop for house wares, but most of the stuff you see in our home is stuff I got for free. So spoiled? I guess so. Spoiled because my dad gave me his old sofa set which happens to look like something from Alice and Wonderland. Spoiled because over the years I have collected trinkets and the house is decorated.
I guess people think not having enough money means you should live a barren lifestyle and dress like a bum!
High maintenance?
Well what does that even mean? I have Jafra beauty products because I am a consultant, so I never go to Sephora or Mac anymore. Why spend all that money, and when I did it was rare anyway. I have my daily beauty ritual, how is that high maintenance? And I go to get my hair trimmed once a season... at the cheapest place I could find... My hair will never be movie star fabulous at this rate, and I don't mind. I get my nails done very rarely too, maybe like once a season too and usually it's a pedicure, only because I was introduced to them by my buddy Kevin and it was not too pricey.
I haven't been clothes shopping in a while, don't need to. I buy one article of clothing every few months but my collection of clothes has been carefully selected over the years with few items swapped out. It works... why change it?
Perhaps I think too much like a dude to fully be a chick. I get my girly moments, and I like nice things, but I know our budget and I know I don't have a money filled vault to swim around in like Scrooge McDuck.
So all this is the background to the thought I had.... Why would anyone judge me that way? What sort of life do they lead? Are they jealous? Are they ungrateful for what they have? How did they come to the conclusion that I must spend thousands a month? I mean really... I didn't go out one day and decide to buy everything I own all at once!
But I look back and I think of things I never noticed growing up. I never noticed how I did grow up poor. My mom worked very hard to provide for us! But the cost of living is high and we never lived in our own house. My dad had his own life separate from us and I got to visit that life from time to time... but till this day, when my siblings say they grew up poor I cannot empathize with them. Perhaps I see them how others see me?
My dad is not rich, but he was upper middle class at least, and he provided indeed a more luxurious lifestyle to my siblings and step mom. They had their own house, they could afford new cars, they went to private school. Perhaps there were times of financial struggle but they never went without.
I never went without too so I didn't know I was poor, in fact till this day I will continue feeling like my mom provided more than enough for us. When I was seventeen I returned from a school trip to France which my parents both paid for to a car! It was an old fixer upper car but it was the exact car I got into when I was 4 years old, when it was new, and I said, "When I grow up I am going to have a car like this!" The car was a red 1985 Nissan Pulsar NX. Now I was 17, the car had more than a few owners within the family, over 200K miles on it, and needed a paint job and upholstery work. I LOVED THAT CAR! It was the best present EVER!!! My dad never got me a car, my mom did! She was a single parent working as hard as she could to make ends meet and she spent $500 on this car after my cousin was selling it to have enough down payment for a new car.
I drove this car everywhere and admittedly, I miss that car. I really do! It was so small and I have so many good memories of it. I had a darth maul blanket in the back seat to make it look nicer, and I would wash it weekly and vacuum it etc. But I remember my best friend at the time being upset about it. She was always a super hard worker and has earned absolutely everything she has! She worked part time at Carl's Jr. and bought herself her first car. I can't remember if it was new or used, but I remember it looked really nice, and she worked hard to pay it off. Still I didn't understand back then why she was seemingly upset about my mom giving me a car.
And she was not alone... several people said I needed to work hard to earn my things otherwise I would never survive...
That's just it... I am not lazy. Far from it. I am indeed a hard worker. The trouble is, I am also very adamant about enjoying my life with this constant threat of my own demise hanging over my head. Am I sick? No. Am I in danger? No... but I always felt like I did not have enough time! And so I did not want to waste a moment of my life doing things I did not want to do no matter what. NOW... I still do things I don't want to... example, I am not lying on a hammock in a tropical Mexican location drinking out of a coconut watching the waves crash ashore... Nope, instead I am in the US, working the best I know how to help Robert and pull my weight in the relationship. At times I lag, and at times I run ahead and pull him up hill.... it's give and take.
But I don't work like everyone else. I have in the past, but now I am all freelance, and it is not as lucrative as I'd like.
I think about people in the past that have said I was privileged and did not notice my work efforts... Did they see me as a sort of Forest Gump? Everything in my life is an opportune accident?
Ok... so I screwed up a few things here and there... several things actually... I have quite a lot of failures in my life, but I have so many wins too! I couldn't win without the fails!
Lets go to when I moved away from San Diego... leaving a trail of fails there, but some wins I still think... like my mom and I had our own Bridal Shop we started from scratch, that was cool.
So I move to North Hollywood, joined a band, wrote songs with said band, became featured on MySpace back when it was cool, released an album, played the Whiskey, grew a pretty large fan base for being indie... That's a win... but no I am not a mega super star, though I do not see that as a fail, I am still in the band, now two actually and I love it! That's a major win!
I had gotten a job as a security guard at Universal studios. I ran into celebrities, have conversations which inspired me, was on set of several bad ass productions... that's a win! And I was making more money than I ever had in my life... plus rent was super cheap where I was and I was with a very cool significant other... all wins...
Then I met a friend who worked and MySpace and alerted me of an open interview date. I went, got hired (this was luck I think since they didn't interview they just hired) and worked there for several years. I was employee of the month for three months! That's bad ass if I do say so myself. I was earning more money now, and all without a degree... not bad though I wasn't earning as much as I would with a degree. I was officially employed by FOX Interactive Media and while I saw it as working for an evil empire and not necessarily happy about that part, I did love my job and the people I worked with. Win.
After that I moved. Actually I moved in with my dad for the first time EVER! That was cool, even though I never really saw him. But it was still cool to know I got to live with my dad at least for a short while. Win.
I did not want to live with my dad however, not because I didn't love him or was ungrateful, but I could sense I was a burden on his girlfriend, and well, it's their home. I know I am always welcome there and all, but lets be honest here, he has his own live with his woman. I have no real place there other than in emergencies, but I love them and was very grateful for that chance.
Happenstance, a friend had a room available and so I moved to Costa Mesa. Being bilingual and self taught in my Spanish literacy helped me land a job at an insurance firm. For the first time ever I had a salary, health benefits, and loads of paid time off should I choose to take it. Bad ass job... maybe some of the folks not so much. But I met a friend, Mary Ann, and we are still friends today! WIN!
Moved to Irvine with then boyfriend, got Sophia, found a bike and restored it... all wins.
Broke up with ex, fought depression by succeeding at getting my own apartment, I did... I got Penelope to keep Sophia company, worked with my dad... was able to provide a couch for family members to crash on... all wins.
MET ROBERT! Biggest win of my life!
Yadda yadda yadda, now here we are. Hey I've been married a whole month! Hurray Robby and me!
Anyway... My point is, I am always going to seek out what I want. I met Robert because I knew I wanted a partner. I was clear as to what kind of partner and then I put myself out there and he found me. And it wasn't easy to officially meet but both him and I are the types that keep trying.
I keep trying. That's all. That's all I can do, is keep trying. I might fail. I might fall hard on my butt. But I keep trying.
And yes, I like to relax, but then I get right back to trying again.
I have been called a quitter before. Maybe I'll quit something that did not benefit me or the other party. But I will never quit on myself, and I will never quit on those I love or my passions.
And now I am rambling and lost my train of thought because all I could think of the last few paragraphs was, "I wonder how hard it is to make apple pie and will Robert eat it if I make it?"
Okay...
Syren out.
And then as the years passed I had been accused of loving a life of luxury. Excuse you? I want used cars, I want hand me downs, I like thrift shopping, and not the high end boutiques, I mean goodwill and the likes which even those I think are now too pricey. I like to refurbish items, paint them to make them more personalized. I love bargain shopping when I do shop for house wares, but most of the stuff you see in our home is stuff I got for free. So spoiled? I guess so. Spoiled because my dad gave me his old sofa set which happens to look like something from Alice and Wonderland. Spoiled because over the years I have collected trinkets and the house is decorated.
I guess people think not having enough money means you should live a barren lifestyle and dress like a bum!
High maintenance?
Well what does that even mean? I have Jafra beauty products because I am a consultant, so I never go to Sephora or Mac anymore. Why spend all that money, and when I did it was rare anyway. I have my daily beauty ritual, how is that high maintenance? And I go to get my hair trimmed once a season... at the cheapest place I could find... My hair will never be movie star fabulous at this rate, and I don't mind. I get my nails done very rarely too, maybe like once a season too and usually it's a pedicure, only because I was introduced to them by my buddy Kevin and it was not too pricey.
I haven't been clothes shopping in a while, don't need to. I buy one article of clothing every few months but my collection of clothes has been carefully selected over the years with few items swapped out. It works... why change it?
Perhaps I think too much like a dude to fully be a chick. I get my girly moments, and I like nice things, but I know our budget and I know I don't have a money filled vault to swim around in like Scrooge McDuck.
So all this is the background to the thought I had.... Why would anyone judge me that way? What sort of life do they lead? Are they jealous? Are they ungrateful for what they have? How did they come to the conclusion that I must spend thousands a month? I mean really... I didn't go out one day and decide to buy everything I own all at once!
But I look back and I think of things I never noticed growing up. I never noticed how I did grow up poor. My mom worked very hard to provide for us! But the cost of living is high and we never lived in our own house. My dad had his own life separate from us and I got to visit that life from time to time... but till this day, when my siblings say they grew up poor I cannot empathize with them. Perhaps I see them how others see me?
My dad is not rich, but he was upper middle class at least, and he provided indeed a more luxurious lifestyle to my siblings and step mom. They had their own house, they could afford new cars, they went to private school. Perhaps there were times of financial struggle but they never went without.
I never went without too so I didn't know I was poor, in fact till this day I will continue feeling like my mom provided more than enough for us. When I was seventeen I returned from a school trip to France which my parents both paid for to a car! It was an old fixer upper car but it was the exact car I got into when I was 4 years old, when it was new, and I said, "When I grow up I am going to have a car like this!" The car was a red 1985 Nissan Pulsar NX. Now I was 17, the car had more than a few owners within the family, over 200K miles on it, and needed a paint job and upholstery work. I LOVED THAT CAR! It was the best present EVER!!! My dad never got me a car, my mom did! She was a single parent working as hard as she could to make ends meet and she spent $500 on this car after my cousin was selling it to have enough down payment for a new car.
I drove this car everywhere and admittedly, I miss that car. I really do! It was so small and I have so many good memories of it. I had a darth maul blanket in the back seat to make it look nicer, and I would wash it weekly and vacuum it etc. But I remember my best friend at the time being upset about it. She was always a super hard worker and has earned absolutely everything she has! She worked part time at Carl's Jr. and bought herself her first car. I can't remember if it was new or used, but I remember it looked really nice, and she worked hard to pay it off. Still I didn't understand back then why she was seemingly upset about my mom giving me a car.
And she was not alone... several people said I needed to work hard to earn my things otherwise I would never survive...
That's just it... I am not lazy. Far from it. I am indeed a hard worker. The trouble is, I am also very adamant about enjoying my life with this constant threat of my own demise hanging over my head. Am I sick? No. Am I in danger? No... but I always felt like I did not have enough time! And so I did not want to waste a moment of my life doing things I did not want to do no matter what. NOW... I still do things I don't want to... example, I am not lying on a hammock in a tropical Mexican location drinking out of a coconut watching the waves crash ashore... Nope, instead I am in the US, working the best I know how to help Robert and pull my weight in the relationship. At times I lag, and at times I run ahead and pull him up hill.... it's give and take.
But I don't work like everyone else. I have in the past, but now I am all freelance, and it is not as lucrative as I'd like.
I think about people in the past that have said I was privileged and did not notice my work efforts... Did they see me as a sort of Forest Gump? Everything in my life is an opportune accident?
Ok... so I screwed up a few things here and there... several things actually... I have quite a lot of failures in my life, but I have so many wins too! I couldn't win without the fails!
Lets go to when I moved away from San Diego... leaving a trail of fails there, but some wins I still think... like my mom and I had our own Bridal Shop we started from scratch, that was cool.
So I move to North Hollywood, joined a band, wrote songs with said band, became featured on MySpace back when it was cool, released an album, played the Whiskey, grew a pretty large fan base for being indie... That's a win... but no I am not a mega super star, though I do not see that as a fail, I am still in the band, now two actually and I love it! That's a major win!
I had gotten a job as a security guard at Universal studios. I ran into celebrities, have conversations which inspired me, was on set of several bad ass productions... that's a win! And I was making more money than I ever had in my life... plus rent was super cheap where I was and I was with a very cool significant other... all wins...
Then I met a friend who worked and MySpace and alerted me of an open interview date. I went, got hired (this was luck I think since they didn't interview they just hired) and worked there for several years. I was employee of the month for three months! That's bad ass if I do say so myself. I was earning more money now, and all without a degree... not bad though I wasn't earning as much as I would with a degree. I was officially employed by FOX Interactive Media and while I saw it as working for an evil empire and not necessarily happy about that part, I did love my job and the people I worked with. Win.
After that I moved. Actually I moved in with my dad for the first time EVER! That was cool, even though I never really saw him. But it was still cool to know I got to live with my dad at least for a short while. Win.
I did not want to live with my dad however, not because I didn't love him or was ungrateful, but I could sense I was a burden on his girlfriend, and well, it's their home. I know I am always welcome there and all, but lets be honest here, he has his own live with his woman. I have no real place there other than in emergencies, but I love them and was very grateful for that chance.
Happenstance, a friend had a room available and so I moved to Costa Mesa. Being bilingual and self taught in my Spanish literacy helped me land a job at an insurance firm. For the first time ever I had a salary, health benefits, and loads of paid time off should I choose to take it. Bad ass job... maybe some of the folks not so much. But I met a friend, Mary Ann, and we are still friends today! WIN!
Moved to Irvine with then boyfriend, got Sophia, found a bike and restored it... all wins.
Broke up with ex, fought depression by succeeding at getting my own apartment, I did... I got Penelope to keep Sophia company, worked with my dad... was able to provide a couch for family members to crash on... all wins.
MET ROBERT! Biggest win of my life!
Yadda yadda yadda, now here we are. Hey I've been married a whole month! Hurray Robby and me!
Anyway... My point is, I am always going to seek out what I want. I met Robert because I knew I wanted a partner. I was clear as to what kind of partner and then I put myself out there and he found me. And it wasn't easy to officially meet but both him and I are the types that keep trying.
I keep trying. That's all. That's all I can do, is keep trying. I might fail. I might fall hard on my butt. But I keep trying.
And yes, I like to relax, but then I get right back to trying again.
I have been called a quitter before. Maybe I'll quit something that did not benefit me or the other party. But I will never quit on myself, and I will never quit on those I love or my passions.
And now I am rambling and lost my train of thought because all I could think of the last few paragraphs was, "I wonder how hard it is to make apple pie and will Robert eat it if I make it?"
Okay...
Syren out.
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