I have this little
ebay business and it causes stress, but it pays so whatever... still, I cannot
sleep all over a disgruntled customer who honestly just didn't read the
description. I offered a refund, cause I am nice like that but haven't
heard back. They threatened, and even though they don't have a case it is
still damaging when negative feedback is left...Though not the end of the world
and sales will keep happening.
The really bad thing
is, tomorrow I will be in OC ALL DAY! It is bad cause it is not for
pleasure really, I got shit to do. So no hanging out really. I got
practice in the morning, and practice in the evening with both bands.
Stress with the bands.
One is at least already in the studio, but we are moving slow.
Playing one show a month. The other band is cursed or something and
we should just be a 4 piece and roll with it. =( But also, all the speed
bumps discourage my band mates and each time I hear about it, it discourages
me. It's easy for them all across both bands, but they don't know what I
do for the bands, or what I do to get there. Does it matter? No
because they didn't want me to move. Honestly, maybe I should have just
moves and bowed out of both bands, but I really believe in the music, and now
with the current members, I honestly really believe in the members. I
actually love them even if I am not as close with everyone evenly, they do feel
like family and I really don't care if the feeling is not mutual.
Tomorrow I got to
drive up at 6 a.m. and possibly leave the dogs at my in-laws for a couple hours
in Costa Mesa, then after morning practice, get the pups and entertain them for
the rest of the day until practice in the evening which is at about 5-ish.
Then I can take them to my dad's warehouse...This seemed like a good idea
when I agreed, but more and more I am realizing... I kind of... well....
I hate the idea of being away from home that long for a non-paid day. I
hate the idea that the dogs have to suffer in the car all day. I am
displaced for a day and it sucks. It doesn't mean I don't want to
practice. On the contrary, I fricken LOVE band rehearsals! I just
hate that things are this way.
When we were moving
Robert tried to console me and reminded me that I can join or start another
band down here, but that was not acceptable to me. I wanted CIP and BP,
not any other band. Maybe he was right though? Maybe I should
replace myself and act as manager instead for BP, and for CIP? But the
thing is, I mean it. I really believe in the music, and enjoy it, and I love
being around my band mates. I don't even mind the drive so much. I
don't mind spending hundreds of dollars a month on gas just to rehearse.
What I do mind is the doubt. What I do mind is that people don't
know who we are. What I do mind is that we are expected to pay for so
much just to get ahead but we can't seem to reach new fans so how will we get
support? How will we grow? It makes me feel like we, well really, I
am not good enough. What about us loses the interest of people?
Actually it is the opposite. We play a show and people who have
never heard us come up to the stage and cheer us on. They like the sound.
So what are we missing?
I wish people were
straight with us. What is it people want from us. What can both
bands do to make people want to come back and want to support us. No one
says what. They tell us we rock, we sound great, but no real feedback.
Ugh.
And what is my goal
anyway? Personally, do I want to be rich and famous? Do I want
drugs and hookers? Do I want world peace? What?
Nothing, I just want
people to hear the music. That's it! I just want people to hear us,
yes and like us too, like the music rather. I want to inspire people.
I want to be there with them in times of need. I want to push them
through the music to be better. I want to console them. I want to
relate. I want them to know they are not alone, that there is a way home,
that there is beauty in darkness, and that they can break through so they need
to embrace the calm and I want them to hear my call to arms... (ALL
REFERENCES TO LYRICS OF MINE)I want people to hear the music that my band mates
create. It is amazing! And I want them to hear my words, my voice,
because I have messages to pass on, it's why the name is Syren.
But the thing is, I am
no diva, and I have no sexual zazz! In other words I am not slutty so the
industry could look us over. I am not hard core enough either so metal
really isn’t my scene. I am actually singing the wrong music for my
voice, which is why more people like us acoustically.
I don't care... I'll
push on as long as my band mates push with me.
And I will be
me...Tomorrow or rather, today, marks the start of a new direction and momentum
for both bands. Wednesdays are my music days. And doggy days apparently.
Not sure what else we
can do right now. I am thinking we should bow out of the scene and take
charge for ourselves, instead hosting our own shows featuring only a few bands
and just us playing for an hour or two. Real concerts once a month in OC,
once a month in SD, and once a month in LA....All special occasions.
If no one else
believes in us, at least we do, because whenever new people hear us, they love
us... so how can we not believe in ourselves?
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