I have a friend who is on a quest to be comfortable with himself enough to not need a significant other, although it's really much more than that... Through this process I've observed his behavior, listened to his thoughts on his frustrations and enlightenment etc... From time to time he without meaning to puts down my own situation and I know he hates it when I talk about Robert, not that he doesn't like Robert, they are friends too it's just that I am talking about my significant other when it's not essential.
But none of that is my point... I thought about it the other day and remembered my own quest. Long ago I had wanted to embark in a similar journey as his, but those journeys never lasted more than six months. The last time I decided to stay single it lasted five months before I met Robert. But while my own quest was to be comfortable with myself by myself, it never meant me being single... How could it, I've always been a romantic. It's a personality thing. And yet I see nothing wrong with anyone being single. If I were single I would be fine as well. I would however be the type that would meet people and go on dates with them which comes easier for me because I tend to be more accepting. Does that mean I can find a partner easy? No I am actually very picky and my exes were all previously long term friends of several years before we dated. In fact Robert is the first man I got involved with romantically without having known him well previously.
But my challenge had moved to the next level. Once I realized I could love myself as much as I do, and it is not narcissism, it is simply self love, then I could better love others outside of myself. And I do love others. I love my friends and family, and I love Robert whom I want to share my life, I want to be one half of him and he to be one half of me. I want that because of the other things that this path would cause for both of us in our lives.
And now that this challenge is cleared I am in another challenge... accepting that the past has no hold on my future. I've gotten dreams, unsettling types, where I question the love I am receiving. But why would I dare judge my relationship today on past relationships? I know where I failed and I know what I am willing and unwilling to accept. Robert is by far the best relationship I've participated in, I mean romantically. We never argue, we discuss, calmly I might add, and usually with lots of laughter, even when serious Robert is good about breaking that tone and reminding me we can be happy together. In fact I realized also when I start to get ansy and have something to complain about it is because we haven't had enough time alone after unwinding to discuss those issues.
I lean on my friends and I need to stop. Robert is the easiest person to discuss my frustrations to, often working with me to resolve them or bringing understanding into light.
He never yells, he maybe never will, and I hope I never cause him to but should it happen I hope to be there to calm him. He doesn't really get mad as he sees it as a waste of energy but don't mistake that for not getting bothered by things, he is effected by things, mainly me, and how I am easily effected by the moods and behaviors of others.
I think about that and I can't help but marvel at this, I don't think I have ever been aware of my partners emotional investment in me to this degree... Maybe they were but I was never aware of it, I felt past relationships lacked... I feel this one is overflowing with abundance in many areas. Are there problems? You bet! All relationships have problems. Don't get me wrong, Robert and I do get frustrated with each other, maybe not crazy status but we do. I say I'll do laundry and forget and let him down cause he needed a clean work shirt... doesn't happen now but it has... Now I check to see every few days to be sure I have washed enough shirts. And sometimes I say something to him and get ignored... he hears me no does not respond and I walk away talking under my breath though usually he'll call out that he was not ignoring me after... And those are so minor, but my point is there will always be something.
My challenge remains... when I let him down I must remember it is not the end of us. In part I dwell on past mistakes with others and beat myself up over them still, I replace the memories of their disappointments with the reality of my partner today and convince myself he will react the same... even when he never does, in the back of my mind I wonder if he will begin to resent me. Am I a burden? Am I too much to handle? Would he have been better off without me? Would I be better off without him? In my past I always argued myself in circles and somehow always came back to yes... But with Robert I always come back to no, and then I have to remind myself to not even have those doubts and insecurities in the first place.
My challenge is to completely submerge myself in my choice of being one half of two. This is not any different than someone's challenge being to completely submerge themselves in their choice of being independent because you see, I come from a long line of failed relationships, not in my life but in my family. My parents, and their parents, and their brothers and sisters... Even myself, this is my second marriage and 4th long term relationship... I know my mom hates me mentioning this but it is worth the mention, because it is a challenge. I have no excuse now not to know how to consistently work at this and not give up. I've learned who I am, and I do not need Robert to hold my hand but I need him to tell my day to and to face difficult times. I am glad he needs me in the same way.
We're both perfectly capable and able and even have functioned on our own. I completed my challenge of living 100% by myself in my own place, another challenge with a history for me you see...Robert lived on his own too before me, he doesn't need me to survive. He doesn't need me for a social life, and he doesn't need me for entertainment. Those were all requirements from me of my future partner when I met him. And me? When I came out of my previous long term relationship, I embraced my journey to be a singular existence. I went to movies by myself, museums, parks with Sophia of course... I got my own apartment and had friends over, housed cousins who needed to couch serve for a bit, and relished in my moments of solitude watching Netflix, cooking dinner for Sophia, Penny, and myself. One friend will tell you I was on the hunt for a partner, but he'll never understand, I wasn't hunting, I was open but in no rush.
I did not however want to deny myself the experience of dating, as in meeting for lunch or dinner and getting to know someone new before deciding if you want to go bowling or to Disneyland or something. But Robert I found through a rant sort of, an artistic expression, an ad written in poem form... I expected nothing, and I got a lot of nothing but it was entertaining. I was not looking for anything serious before Robert, but the moment I met Robert I knew this was something I had to take seriously even at the risk of it being a wrong choice.
But why? Why would I want to date at all? Well for me it was several things... I actually don't hate people at all. I hate what they do sometimes, but I actually love people. I love meeting new people even though I get so nervous. I am better about that too and have been for several years, another challenge I am thinking I cleared... I can be social again. And I love meeting someone new and talking to them, getting to know them, and hear their story, and telling my story to them too. I love it. And when someone is interested in you, be it as a friend or as more than that, it is obviously euphoric and exciting. It's not necessarily validation for me, it's more like when I have something new...
I hate comparing people to things but just as an analogy, it's like when I buy a new dress, and I love it! I love how I look and feel in it, I love how I change my posture, how my identity is now enhanced. I wear it as much as I can although after some time it becomes an old dress. I find it to be a part of my identity, and there is nothing to learn of how to style it, now I wear it because it's that dress I love and now instead of figuring out how to style it, I just enjoy going to the beach or the mall in my favorite dress. I might buy another dress, it may or may not become more favored but I will always go back to that previous dress and enjoy it just as much.
That's why I liked dating... dating potential friends or potential romantic interests. You can date friends you know, I do it all the time, you may simply call it outings, or happy hours, or ladies nights, whatever, the point is, you are getting to know each other and building memories which will strengthen your bond... so yes, I love dating. I still love dating Robert and we're Married.
So my point to that dating sequence is that even when single, I do not deny myself this part of life as I want to meet new potential friends. I went out on several dates or outings, and most those people ended up not being ideal people for my life as freinds or anything else, but I met some wonderful people whom are still friends today. Yes, "people", women and men. I thought I would live that way for several years at least but it only lasted 5 months and Robert came into my life.And I think of my friend who is on this journey of having a singular type of existence, not relying on a significant other although he too is open to it just not actively seeking it. He has posed the question of whether or not others think he is wrong for wanting to be single, as if their own choices are called into question. I am not bothered by his decision, but I am also not saying I wish I could do that. First, I already went through my own challenges and this is his challenge, no one else's. His situation is different that anyone else's, his experiences are his own. The truth is, I don't even think about it much beyond it is what he is doing. I do not see it as bad, as I do not believe it to be necessary for everyone to have a partner, and just because he is going through this now does not mean some time in the future he won't find a next challenge of being one halve of two, maybe not, but who knows really?
So right now it is good no matter what he does. I do not see anything wrong with being single, my mom is an independent woman, and my brother is independent as well. They are awesome people. I have a best friend who is also single and while she hopes to meet someone, it does not affect her awesomeness nor is it her sole focus to find a partner. So unlike my friend who is going through this challenge, I know several people who are actively single, most by choice and happy. It is unfortunate he feels his contacts look down on his journey when really it truly is a wonderful and noble thing he is doing... more people should take the time to get to know themselves and be happy with themselves by themselves.
And for me... As I said, my challenge is to be secure with myself in my partnership and rid myself of doubts and insecurities when obviously my partner is completely accepting of me as a person... Actions can change and followed by habits, so that is never a problem, but my thoughts need to stay positive.
There were moments when roommates of friends fueled these doubts and insecurities saying, "If I were you, I'd worry." or "When I was with so John Doe, that was a deal breaker." That was their experience and Robert is not their exes, Robert is also not them, so for my friends to not like something I am doing, so what, they aren't my husband. I need to hold true to this because it is the truth. My relationship with Robert is no one else's. Just like I had to accept myself by myself, I have to accept us by ourselves without other's thoughts effecting us. I meditated on it this morning... I am excited to clear this challenge and move on to my next phase of personal evolution.
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Jamul, CA, USA
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