Airing my dirty laundry

Since I lack a therapist I turn to the judgments of the inernet.

I've pondered whether or not I could be bipolar....  I've pondered whether or no people in my life are bi polar...  but the only absolute I ever conclude as that we all have the capability of pushing buttons and thus my buttens get pushed as well.

I tend to be easy going and my co-workers have said, "there are times where I think you will just explode at me, but you never do, you are always so sweet!".  It's true!  I don't explode in professional or formal settings. I don't see the reason behind it.  Not only that, but they do nt push my buttons.  If there is something that happened to upset anyone, the mistake was recognized, dealt wth, and we all move on learning from the exprience both ho to avoid it an how to anticipate... No one is upet, and no one will bring it up when something else goes wrong.  The end result, the company or event keep going and goals continue being achieved wether with or without obstacles.

However, in casual settings, it feels more like the wild wild west.  Everyone has a gun with bullets dipped in tabasco sauce for that extra sting.  It's not that we expect to use them, but we just never know when we'll be ambushed is all.

In the example of Nate and I, I constantly ambush him wth my bad habits which after three years I have not been able to correct.  I am constantly ambushed in that the moment something bothers him, he addresses the issue a very specific way.  One wich to him may seem diplomatic but to me is an out right ambush.  I feel like it's always guerilla tactics with him even though logically I know it is not.

A family member tried to explain to me, that because Nate is so smart, it's difficult to understand and deal with him but if I love him then that is all that matters...  The way she explained it and gave examples of her own relationship wth a stong male figure in my life made me think, "but this is not us!  I do understand, the issue lies deeper!"  When I am lost in thought I think about quantum physics or philosophy and not what color looks best in m bedroom!  (I am not accusin anyone of thinking that way it was a mere example).  I don't know what Nate thinks about save for times I've asked him.  Most times he'll say I don't want to know, or "stuff I shouldn't be thinking about" and I know what he means by that!  I understand he's struggling through his own conflicts and I know which ones specifically...

I feel he does not understand me.  What is worse is he feels the same.

We have 5 weekends left together and today I caused an upset.

I have a family party to go to and he simply did not feel up to it...  Instead of being an understanding girlfriend I became upset.  I tried to forget about it but as the the minutes past by my thoughts were all over the place.  Finally I couldn't hide my mood.  Obviously this put him in a bad mood too.  And when he tried to resolve it, I got "bitchy" by perhaps anyones definition.  I felt he was being selfish and he felt I was being selfish.

Really I just feel it is over.  We have not made out since before memorial weekend... we have not cuddled, and we have not been truly intimate on any level not merely physical.  I've tried to have fun with him but am rarely able to anymore.  I love his family and so I had fun with them!  I just don't know what to do.

His birthday is coming up July 9th, and I don't want to ruin it, but have I already?

I think I am just angry in general.

I'm done with men.  Finished!

I have other things to concern myself with, such as the betterment of humanity and providing service to others... where does a man fit into this unless we are perfectly in sync?  I'd rather not.

=(